Sarah says "It's a ridiculous life"

Thought it's a good time for me to come back on line - just after my hubby has bigged me up!
Not sure in many ways if I want to write a post as this last week has been difficult to say the least and certainly has not had a lot of laughs! In summary, managed to go out Friday night and feel almost normal for a few hours. Saturday a short trip to PC World to look for a laptop for Emma's christmas present occurs like a Herculean task for Dave - I have no idea how he gets in and out of the car for a start. Dave not very well that day so run around like a maniac for the rest of the day doing "housey" stuff - have a couple of hours "quality time" watching the X Factor on Saturday night - the programme is only made watchable by the hilarious running commentary we make up for ourselves and I find myself wondering how far up their own arses the judges can crawl - Danni crying cos Louis hurts her feelings - **** off!

Sunday Dave is very very off colour and very weak and it feels like he is rapidly fading away. We have a couple of hours on our own whilst Emma is at theatre group and we try to go for a walk but end up coming back after approximately ten minutes and he goes to bed for a while. We had hoped to go and see Quantum of Solace but that was definitely a bridge too far and has been for Dave ever since the film was released!

Monday come back from work at 10.30 to take Dave to the hospital. He insists on driving to the hospital in case it is his last ever driving experience. Fearing he will return from the hospital in a wheelchair we both check out mentally - leave all his tablets at home and no disabled badge in the car which necessiates me returning home and then driving back to the hospital. Try to go for a coffee out together after the hospital and when we eventually get to our chosen spot (a new place I have been trying to take him to for approx 8 weeks) it is very full and no room for Dave to be comfortable so we leave, but I feel like shouting at everyone to leave and make space as they can come back anytime but we may not have the chance for many more coffees out together. Come home as he is feeling too off colour to try anywhere else, thinking we have made it through the cassette change and at about 5pm he ends up stranded in the kitchen due to his left leg not functioning for a period of time . Claire comes round to give me an Indian head massage that night and I cry into the massage chair for an hour or so - she can see how upset I am and how poorly Dave looks and snivels in the background (what a pair!). As the hours go by Dave and I realise that the increase in drugs is numbing the legs but doing naff all for the extreme pain in his pelvis. Monday night for me is almost completely with no sleep for me as at the times when he is not awake and in pain he is moaning in his sleep with pain.

Get up on automatic pilot and go to work Tuesday morning and this normal cheerful and chatty person can barely speak to anyone for fear of "losing it" as all I can think about is the hospital appointment in the afternoon. I burst in to tears as I walk through the door at home to take Dave to the hospital. Anne the doctor is lovely and tries to reassure us that the worst of what is going on is probably related to a urine infection but does confirm that the tumour is significantly progressing. Feel a bit upset that people call so rarely these days after hospital appointments - in the good old chemo days people rang non-stop - now the news is continually getting worse it would seem most people can't face it or don't want to bother us but it does leave you feeling a bit on your own at times. Dave has a bit better night but uses lots of boosts so a weekly trip to the hospital has now become necessary which is a nuisance as we prefer to avoid the place as much as possible.

Go back in to work Wednesday morning. I have a very busy job and having a sizeable chunk taken out of the previous two days for hospital leaves me with far too much to do so now I am knackered! Go for my fortnightly hot stones massage with my friend Margaret tonight after work and end up snoring on the couch! Margaret is a spiritual healer as well as a massage therapist so delivers me some great healing so I feel quite a bit better afterwards and certainly have more energy.

I have a general discussion with Margaret about how I can try to take care of myself as in recent weeks I have really been feeling the strain. My back and neck have been extremely painful (requiring several chiropractor visits) and I am suffering regular headaches and stomach pains and just generally feel exhausted. I find magazines that discuss how to relax and relieve stress highly amusing these days as coping strategies like having a warm bath, deep breathing and yoga don't even really touch the sides in these situations! Work is becoming more and more difficult for me but giving it up at the moment would feel like giving up on Dave and neither of us are ready for that. Sadly we also have some major financial concerns as I do not earn very much and Dave is self-employed so has no sick pay and we have no major windfalls to help us out as some others sometimes do in this situation. It seems almost obscene to even have to consider money in this situation but unfortunately it is a grim reality for many cancer patients. The only blessing is that we did the downsize thing a few years ago so are not saddled with a massive mortgage and being fairly non-materialistic souls we can manage on not too much money when we need to.

Have reread this and not sure I should post this as it is not particularly insightful or burst at the seams funny but it is honest. This is what living with people with cancer is like at times. In summary ******* scary! Will just have to see what the next few days hold.........Sarahxx