So we did it. Emma and I survived the Easter Break and her birthday. Emma's birthday worked out okay although it was tough when we first got up as in the past she always came and jumped in to bed between Dave and I to open her presents. She still came in to bed this year, but I have to confess it was me who couldn't hold back the tears as she was being so brave. The afternoon was more enjoyable when she had 5 of her friends around to hang out with movies, popcorn and takeaway pizza. My brother arrived from Worthing and we abandoned the house for a few hours so that the girls could really let off steam which they did. Fortunately the house was still standing when we got back.
After Emma's birthday, the plan for Easter weekend was to head off on Saturday morning to Dave's mum's house in Croydon for a couple of days to include a visit to Uncle Ronnie's 80th birthday party. This plan went sadly awry when Emma had a tummy upset on Friday night which kept us both awake for most of the night. We're still not sure if it was a tummy bug or anxiety related to leaving home after all that has happened, but whatever it was is really irrelevant as it was very painful. On Saturday morning, we attempted to load the car with Uncle Steve and get ready to set off, but one look at Emma's complexion told me that setting off then was a very bad idea! As we had no idea whether we would be able to set off at all that day, I despatched my brother to the train station so that he could start making his way to the south coast. I felt quite despondent that our plans were not running smoothly as the thought of the trip and the drive was challenging enough without having any spanners in the works.
Anyway, after a sleep that refreshed her, Emma did feel better and felt able to undertake the journey so we set off late in the afternoon and arrived in Croydon around 8pm. Dave's mum was very glad that we had made it and was very pleased to see us. I had, however, not anticipated how hard it would be to stay in her house without Dave. There are so many memories associated with the house over the last 27 years of knowing Dave and as a result another sleepless night ensued! Running over and over in my head was a conversation we had had the very last time we had stayed there together as we had stayed awake chatting until the early hours.
We made it to Uncle Ronnie's party on the Sunday afternoon and it was nice to see so many members of the family for the first time since Dave's funeral. I managed to get through the afternoon relatively unscathed although I did disappear for a few tears at one point. Unfortunately Sunday night was sleepless again despite my best efforts so by Monday morning I was feeling quite ill - headachy and sick and tired from putting on a brave face for such a big audience. I still managed a visit to Stuart and his mum and dad at Biggin Hill and had a very brief foray in to my niece Kelly's birthday barbecue, but I was beginning to wonder if I had bitten off more than I could chew mentally. I started to feel a bit disconnected from myself and the visits were a bit like out of body experiences as I felt not quite myself and very emotional and tearful. After another drive on the M25 to Bracknell, I arrived at Dave's Auntie Sheila and Uncle Tony's house. After popping some more painkillers, a walk with Auntie Sheila through the grounds of Wellington College and a bit of time to relax, I started to feel a bit better. Later Auntie Barbara and Uncle Norman and cousin Jane called in and I felt as if I had well and truly done the rounds of the French family! It was lovely to see them all.
I went to bed late and actually slept and Tuesday saw me feeling something like human! Another trip on the motorway and we were at PEP in Melksham (Dave's old employer) and Emma and I helped to plant a beautiful blossom tree in Dave's memory. PEP have also invested in two lovely benches and a table to go by the tree so at least as they eat their packed lunches in the summer they will be able to remember Dave.
After a giggle over a very nice lunch with the PEP crowd we moved on to Bath where Emma and I stayed in a very posh hotel. It was good to relax and have some time on our own after the hurly burly of the previous few days. We enjoyed the hotel spa and a meal out in Bath. And then on Wednesday after a bit of sightseeing we set off back to York. We were both extremely glad to get back home. Somehow leaving York feels like leaving Dave behind, which is a bit silly in many ways, but it is how we both currently feel.
My conclusions on the visit? Had it not been for the opportunity the party presented to see a lot of people, it was probably a bit too soon to go down and be with Dave's family as it felt like a Herculean effort to hold things together and put on my "mask" for everyone. In normal circumstances I pride myself on being very at ease with myself and my emotions and very self-expressed, but when your emotions are so predominantly sad it doesn't feel right to let them all out in the presence of others all the time. For one thing, it would be very monotonous to have someone crying all the time! People want to see that you are making progress and that you can cope as it makes them feel a bit better. Although self-created and all in my mind, the stress and strain of the visit did feel like it set back some of the progress I had already made in terms of getting back to (the new) normal and dealing with all my emotions.
However, on the upside, the difficult first visit is now out of the way so doesn't need to take up any head space (wondering when is the "right" time to go) and it was nice to see everyone and, as they say, "feel the love". I have also got back to driving long distances again confidently and a few other firsts have been knocked off like seeing PEP without Dave and Emma and I staying in a hotel on our own. There were also many tears shed by me on numerous motorways - the M1, M25, M3, M4, M5and M42 creating much "surface water" but since there has been a notable absence of tears on my part since Dave died (unusual for me as I am normally an A grade blubber) perhaps this was something that needed to happen and it could be all part of the so caled "process". Who knows? - I for one have no idea what is happening with all of this most of the time, you really are just forced to "go with the flow" - which is murder for a control freak like me......
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment