Celebrations

And the news from York is (at the risk of boring you rigid) well it's still very tough!! Many ups and downs over the last couple of weeks.

Last Friday was a very special day as we had half of Dave's ashes interred at York Cemetery (the place where the funeral service was held). The other half of his ashes will be scattered later by Emma and I on a favourite walk in Swaledale. On Friday, a small group of family and friends attended at the cemetery. I created what turned out to be a very simple and quite moving ceremony and for the first time Emma let out a lot of her upset and emotion. Although this was very difficult at the time for her it was something that needed to happen as she has been so brave and strong ever since Dave died. I was also taken by surprise by the emotion and found myself shaking like a leaf in Sainsburys on the morning before the interrment and Emma and I had a terrible few days leading up to the event as well. I think it is something of a reality check to put your husband/father's remains in the ground. However, the love and support of the people who came to the ceremony made me feel like we were being wrapped in a warm blanket and I was very present to the love in our life.

The spot Emma chose for the interrment is beautiful as it is in the old Victorian part of the cemetery where all the graves are wild and overgrown. It is very peaceful and when you are there on your own all you can hear is bird song. In a couple of weeks a headstone will be placed on the plot. We did keep the ceremony very private due to the very public nature (and numbers) of the funeral but if any of you would like to go to visit the spot in the future please let me know.

After the ceremony we went back to the ever accommodating Rob and Tricia's for a barbecue. The weather was fabulous as I had hoped and we had a lovely evening although it has to be said there were a few sore heads the next day as some effort was put in to celebrating the occasion!

Sunday would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary. I found myself in the car thinking how strange it was that I was 23 when I got married and would have been married 23 years. This led me to wonder where I would be in the next 23 years at the age of 69 as so much has happened in the last 23 years. What could have been a very difficult day was averted by Julia taking Emma and I out to a country pub for dinner on a lovely summer's evening.

This week the main event for me has been going back to work on a part-time basis. In the last couple of weeks I have felt myself to be ready for a distraction from this grieving business although going back to work is still hard. I think for myself going back to work is hard because it is another sign of going back to "normal" life when absolutely nothing you have left in your life feels normal. It feels as if I have a huge rock in my chest just as I did in the first few weeks after Dave died and similarly I also have a big lump in my throat. And the sleepless nights are back with a vengeance - think I managed all of two hours last night! Still I hope that work will become a welcome diversion and a bit therapeutic as it was during much of Dave's illness - looks as though I just need to get through the pain barrier first.

A friend sent me an email the other day telling me about a programme on tv that Sheila Hancock did in the series "My life in poetry". I haven't managed to get time to see the actual programme on iplayer yet but I read an associated news article on the web. When referring to the death of her husband John Thaw, Sheila Hancock was saying that she got sick of people sending her cards saying that "he was just in the next room" when in fact she was clear that he was in fact stone dead! She said in the article about grieving something along the lines of the fact that grief doesn't get better, you just get better at dealing with it. From my experience so far this would appear to be the case. What I therefore need now is to work my way towards mastery but I won't be holding my breath, as I think this apparent merry-go-round could bamboozle me for some time yet!