Snakes and Ladders......

Hi there. Not posted for a while. Too damn tired at the moment! Going back to work is taking its toll. Putting on a public face for so many hours a day is totally exhausting and people seem to feel the need to tell me that I look really well and am doing really well. If only they knew what was going on underneath the surface...........

In general, I am more puzzled and bemused by life than at any time in the past. Living my life for me prior to Dave's illness and death was, for the majority of the time, a complete breeze. I never understood why people made so much fuss about life and how tough it was. I just thought it was all about having fun, laughter and love and never realised the stability and grounding you get from being in a happy, loving and secure relationship. My relationship with Dave was totally in my blindspot - it was only in the last few years of his life that I realised how special it was.

Now life looks very much more complicated. If I had marked my ability to live prior to Dave dying I would have said I was near to complete "mastery" of this living thing! To find myself in this situation is something of a shock. I said to a couple of friends yesterday that I feel like I have been in a game of Snakes and Ladders and have got a couple of spaces away from the top only to find the Most Enormous Snake which has taken me right back to the first few squares of the board and the beginning. I now feel like a complete novice in life, feeling almost as if I need to learn to walk and talk and learn all those other basics again. I also feel quite childlike in my emotional state - very vulnerable and with this panicky feeling of being on my own again.

The strange thing is I am noticing that lots of other people in their 40s and 50s seem to be struggling with life in general and are very confused and upset. Divorce seems all too common and if not as far as the divorce stage I am witnessing a lot of relationship "struggles" and unhappiness. Lots of job and career problems and upsets and financial problems seem prevalent and more people seem unhappy with their lot in life and seem to be struggling to find meaning. So at least I am not alone!

So I am now declaring myself to be a Novice. I know that I have quite a few miles on the clock of life and doubtless a bundle full of experience which could come in handy, but I am now beginning a completely new life and I have to admit I am a Novice. No idea where to start or how to create my new life. In fact I don't even think I am ready to create a new life yet until I have been further through the Grief Process. At the moment trying to generate anything feels like putting icing on dog pooh and i don't think it's to be recommended.

Greiving wise I still feel as if I haven't got to the Bottom of the Pit. For those of you who are perhaps thinking I will be on the way up by now as much as I would like that to be the case that doesn't seem to be the way this works. In fact it is really now that the situation is really biting - the reality of the fact that Dave is dead is really hitting home to both myself and Emma and life is tough as we go about our normal day-to-day life with such an important person missing.

At this point am not sure how much longer I will continue with the blog. The blog was a fun thing to do in the adventure of Dave's illness and there was plenty of drama but writing about grief is never going to be a bundle of laughs! I notice quite a large number of people are still reading the but am not currently sure if it is serving a purpose. Certainly doesn't feel inspirational any more! But if you have any thoughts or comments I would love to hear from you. My email is sarah@lefrenchies.wanadoo.co.uk.