Actions speak louder than words........

Sarah here again..................................

Not posted for a while as it has been a difficult couple of weeks. The hospital stay brought up a lot of emotional "stuff" for me. Wondering if this was the end, feeling on my own, racing between the hospital and home where Emma was poorly and feeling powerless at times in the hospital when things were going badly (just to name a few and there were dozens more upsetting feelings I could name). It was also a time when the true reality of our situation hit me hard - as you all know we do try to be upbeat for as much of the time as we can and make the most of what life has dealt us ,but the reality of actual losing Dave is absolutely gut wrenching for me. I have always felt that we are two sides of the same coin, soul mates if you like and so the thought of a future witout him around is extremely scary. We probably have a lot more to lose than the average couple, many of whom have never experienced this kind of love and affinity however many years they have been together! It is something that is impossible to describe, you can only know it if you have experienced it.

Gradually since last Tuesday/Wednesday I have rebuilt myself and tried to restore my energy a little which was much depleted, although sleeping is still a problem so I am still quite tired. The conversation with Maggie the homeopath was a really good starter as she has such a great listening for both of us. The conversation on Thursday with Caroline our Macmillan nurse was also a great support for me as after a couple of bad experiences in the hospital, I wanted to ensure that when the time comes Dave has as good a death as possible, so we revisited our plans and the support that can be provided to Emma and I when we really need it. Caroline feels like a close friend already and is someone who is so for us as a family and always goes the extra mile to ensure we get what we need. She is also someone who is able to discuss the most intimate and personal of things with us over a cup of coffee and leave us feeling that we are amazing powerful people who can get through this terrible situation - a real "Mrs Motivator!". For me, it is really like having an angel come to visit - apologies to any of you who think that is a bonkers thing to say!

Dr Jones' (our GP) visit on Friday was also a godsend. We have known him for 20 years and he has supported us emotionally through all my miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies to the end point where I discovered that the final ectopic made it impossible for me to have the brood I had always dreamed of. Standing in the kitchen with him last Friday drinking coffee he felt like a true friend who is totally aligned with our plans and what we both want for Dave. His gentle and kind nature are a blessing and support in this situation.

As I think Dave has already mentioned Dr Jones was followed by a visit from "the fambly", a couple of Frenchies, Trevor and Darren who were kindness itself. It was lovely to see them and to feel the comfort of the extended family which is very important to us both. Their visit made a big difference to me personally.

And on Sunday, our friends Howard and Tina drove up from Bicester with a request for some emergency hugs. Howard and Tina are thoughtfulness and love personified and when they are here I feel like someone has wrapped me in a warm blanket. We have known each other 20 years and I have to say they are two of the most healing people I know and two people I know will always be there for me in the future, whatever that future holds. We ate lunch together so I got to partake in another of my favourite activities which is feeding Howard, as I have never met anyone else who takes such pleasure in the activity of eating!

So I gradually came back to life, also aided by phone calls from Helen and Terry in Oz and Kay in NZ who seemed to have picked up messages over the astral plane that we needed a call. We also had visits from my work friends bearing gifts and other friends all of which made a huge difference and have helped me to get to a place where I may be able to have the peaceful Christmas I so crave. And to clarify by peaceful I mean that we relax, rest and enjoy some quiet uneventful time (definitely not that you can't phone us over the Christmas period!).

And as it is Christmas which is usually a time for reflection I wanted to leave you with something to think about. As those of you who know us well will know we do love a philosophical/thought provoking question in this house! A few weeks ago our dear friend Leslie came to visit prior to going off to New York for a month for Christmas to see her family. Leslie's husband sadly died suddenly two years ago and so is very understanding of our situation. Leslie was saying that she had been looking at some dating websites, thinking of maybe dipping her toe in the water at some stage in the future when she felt ready. She looked at the profile people needed to complete about themselves and there were a series of psychometric test questions. The one that had sent Leslie crazy was "It's the thought that counts" Yes or No. 84% of people had answered "yes" to "It's the thought that counts". She said that the more she thought about it the more she thought the "right"answer to this was "no" and she was therefore incompatible to 84% of the population! As she said when you hear this question you at first think the answer is "yes it is the thought that counts" but if you think about it more deeply and for longer the "thought" is never the thing that makes the difference, it is the action that accompanies it. This was brought in sharp focus in my mind the other day by a letter from Uncle Ronnie (Trevor and Darren's dad). The legend that is Uncle Ronnie is 79 and so a little restricted in how he can help us practically, but he wrote us a lovely letter. He probably, like a lot of people, thinks about us a lot of the time, but it is only when we receive little missives like this that we get to know at our end how people are feeling. When we get a letter like that we really feel the love and because of the content we all get a good giggle, particularly Emma.

So to acknowledge the fantastic "actions" people have taken during this difficult time, here are just a few things people have done for us. There have been many many things so I apologise if I forget anything..............and I'll try not to put names to activities to embarrass you

Thank you for:


The letters, emails, messages on the blog and phone calls that keep us going
The visits and taking time to come and see us
The cleaning and the ironing
Help with DIY jobs around the house particularly bannisters and radiators(!)
Decorating (you know who you are)
Food parcels and home cooked meals
Gifts of many descriptions and money
Looking after and loving Emma
Donations to the blog and passing the blog on to others
Listening over cups of coffee (and sometimes glasses of wine!)
Flowers at opportune times
Treating us to going out/entertaining us at your house
Supporting us both in various shapes and sizes at work
Fantastic medical care and caring relationships with doctors and nurses that I had no idea were possible
Sharing your holidays with us or helping us arrange our holidays
Free holiday accommodation (can we post a link to the Manning Tree Bed and Breakfast at Robin Hood's Bay here Steve? - as Peter Kay says "I'm thinking - always thinking" and Amanda no link please to the villa in Lucca don't want anyone else to get to know about it..)
Lending us your house whilst you were on holiday
Travelling the wrong way round the world back to Oz after a business meeting in the US just to see us for a few hours
Praying for us and asking others to pray for us
Writing a song on your new album (sorry Rich but that is so obviously you!)
Massages to try to keep me in good shape
Other treatments and therapies given freely by old friends and new friends
For the visit to the Penny Brohn Centre in Bristol which opened up new possibilities
People getting back in contact who we haven't seen or heard of in years
And for Lovefilm.dvd for sending us the comedy DVDs which have kept the endorpins pumping!

Penultimately, a special mention to an organisation called Landmark Education who run a course called the Landmark Forum. To those of you who think Dave and I are really special people and amazing in this situation, most of it is down to the personal development/human potential courses run by Landmark which we have attended over the years and the training they have provided which enable us to be powerful in this situation. If you want a bit of what we have got do the Landmark Forum. (As an aside special thanks to Nick Andrews for telling us all about it 20 years ago, it has made our life what it is).

Finally, and most important of all, at the danger of sounding too cheesy, thank you all for your amazing love and friendship.

Wishing you all the Christmas that you want for yourself and hoping it is filled with love

Sarahxxx