It is very pleasant here, sitting in my single room, watching the birds on the balcony trying to eat the bird food being snatched by the squirrels as the snow flurries are blown about the fields behind the hospice.
I have, as they say, "settled in", by which I think they mean I am no longer disrupting any hospice routines by making unreasonable demands about when I take my tablets! Once again, all the staff are genuinely caring, knowledgeable and wonderful in their treatment of us patients.
I am growing weaker by the day, able to walk less, desiring to sleep more, and generally wanting this to be over. Sorry to put it so bluntly for some of you, but it is the truth. The ideal would be for me to go from fully functioning and alert adult to completely non-functioning, fully non-responsive corpse in the flash of a magic wand, having had all the "goodbye" conversations I could have wanted to have, and to leave each and every member of family and friends in a place where they know exactly how important a part they have played in my life, in ways that they are completely unaware of. Yep, that would be ideal. Instead, however, I play the waiting game, taking enough drugs to keep me almost pain free, sedated enough to be comfortable, yet not too sedated to be comatose. The result is a degree of bored anticipation; of not knowing what is next and of not knowing what will "get me". But in a time, allowing Emma and Sarah to discuss if Emma wants to be there at my end holding my hand; who Emma wants to have at the funeral for her support; and how they might both be after the event of my death. I am so proud they can already speak to each other as a duet and not our happy trio.
There are a few things I want to say on passing. So many people, and I include myself in this, believe the physical world to be a manifestation of a separate "ideal" or "spiritual" world in some way. In my simplistice brain, all I take it to mean is that my body is controlled by my conscious and subconscious mind, and hence my cancer was created by this form called David French. I also believe there is a spiritual dimension to all humanity (and other conscious beings), and that this too must have concurred with the suggestion that David French have cancer. I say that because above all I believe the spiritual essence of all human beings places us on a journey the moment we arrive on the planet (maybe even before).
Sarah doesn't like it when I say it, but my spiritual dimension has required me to depart this world by this particular method. It is to teach me something that I am dying this way, and I'd prefer I didn't have to do it, but my spiritual element is by far the more powerful element for me and far too strong to be beaten. So I'll die in a few days, I'll go to where I'm required leaving more than I've ever loved before to go to somewhere else. How much it hurts me to leave the love and loved ones I know, I cannot tell you.
And I think that's the place to stop.
Monday, 2 February 2009
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9 comments:
Love, hugs and peace
Jayne
xoxoxox
I think the French (the nation not the family) sum up what I want to say to you Dave ... Bon voyage!
and thanks for the memories
Sleep well
Love Fiona
x x x
Take care with your journey across the river my brave mate, we'll all meet again soon enough. Keep an eye on us in the meantime. The McGees x
I love you Dave
Have a peaceful and happy Journey Dave. Try and get a bit of shut eye before you start it though.
Lots of love
Your Cuz Tony, Ni, Chris, Michelle and Dan Burrows
Vancouver
XXXXXXX
Whenever i have a problem to deal with i will always think 'what would Dave say' and the answer will be there. You make life seem simple and there is your beauty. Thank you.
xxx
So long and thanks for all the fish.
XX
Kapitan D
you are the most well equipped traveler for the journey, dave. i am in awe of your tender, humble and honest preparations!! take care my friend, you are and always will be a playful renegade, and i will always love you for that!
shari
xoxox
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