Going underground

Well, what a week. This one was always going to be tricky as it involved Emma and I being separated for 5 days as she went off on a school trip to Berlin. I really really wanted her to go and have some much needed fun but at the same time it was difficult as we had not been apart since Dave died. As those of you who have been reading the blog for a long time know we used to call ourselves The Three Musketeers when Dave was alive. Sadly now we can only manage to be the Dynamic Duo but we are so close after all our experiences that you can't put a credit card between us. We function as each other's best friends looking out for each other as much as we can. I dropped Emma off at school on Friday morning and did a very embarrassing thing that should definitely not be done when your daughter is 15 and you are standing outside her school - I cried my eyes out. I had no plans to do that but biting my lip failed miserably and the tears rolled. With my wobble came a wobble from Emma - started with a chin quiver and then a few tears so we stopped worrying about who would see us and gave each other a monumental hug! And then off she went......

Once she was gone on the coach I was okay. Yet again my wonderful friends were there with plans to keep me busy and occupied for the duration and that plan would have worked but for a severe case of PMT and a couple of other things that happened unexpectedly that completely knocked me off balance. It is not appropriate to say what the incidents were on the blog but in my current fragile state they were enough to sideswipe me. This is the thing about this grieving business. You can take so much and look to others as if you are doing well, but you don't have the normal levels of resilience and can crumple like a house of cards and once you start to crumble you feel a bit out of control. The only way I can describe the feeling is by saying that you feel like you have lost your "groundedness" (if that's a word and if it isn't it is now). On one of the widow's websites I have looked at some of the people there describe it as entering the Goblin Pit - a place of misery and despair where the goblins are after you and you have to try to drag yourself out of the pit to escape them. Well this time I think the goblins had me pinned down for a good couple of days! I can tell you that there were lots of tears and a feeling of helplessness that I am only just coming out of in the last 48 hours or so. If you saw me during that time you wouldn't necessarily have known what was going on as I was using every ounce of my resolve to try to function normally only to collapse again when I returned home and was on my own.

When you go downwards like this there is only sheer grit and determination that can get you out. Sometimes I wonder how much sheer grit and determination one person can possibly have and whether my sheer grit and determination quota/ration will run out and I will be stuck down there in the Pit for the rest of eternity!

So I have had another blip and live to fight another day. I do feel a bit like I am running out of steam again after the last few months but who knows. Only time will tell. But before I go another story to finish.......

The only night free in my hectic "schedule" over the weekend was Saturday and I made my own plan for that. I decided to have a truly indulgent/therapeutic night and watch a weepie movie and have pizza and ice cream (not normally allowed on the Weightwatchers Plan I am currently following!). I tried to think of the saddest film I had ever seen and I thought it was a film from the 80s called Beaches. The film stars Bette Middler and Barbara Hershey who are two lifelong best friends and one dies of a heart problem called cardiomyopathy. I can clearly remember Dave and I watching the video in our house in Crowthorne and both Dave and I crying our eyes out as it was so sad (although Dave said in typical fashion that he only had something in his eye). I managed to get a copy of the film and gleefully shoved it in the machine with my box of tissues at the ready. Watched the film whilst stuffing my face but I was soooooo disappointed. Grand total of only 4 tears. It really wasn't even on my new Sadness Scale. My conclusion? If that's the saddest film ever I now need to write a film as well as a book because my story with Dave is far far sadder than that and it's actually true! Now the next question is - who to cast in the leading roles.......?