Summertime.........

Summertime and the living is somewhat more difficult than normal......that wouldn't make much of a Gerschwin song would it?

So most of the school summer holidays have gone and Emma and I have just about survived in one piece. We spent two weeks in Brighton for our main holiday courtesy of our friends Nick and Teresa who very kindly lent us their house whilst they were away in Spain. Brighton is a good location for us as we have lots of friends and family in the area, so it presented itself as an easier option than a full blown holiday for just the two of us where we didn't know anybody. That having been said it was still not easy having our first proper holiday without Dave. For those of you who know us well, you will know that Dave and I have always really really loved our holiday times and have been to some amazing places and had some very fun times. Wherever we went even when the accommodation was somewhat basic, or in one or two instances downright grotty, we have always succeeded in having a great time. Trying to create fun in the midst of two people grieving hard for a very special person is not the easiest of tasks and proved to be quite a rollercoaster ride. We did have some very good days and evenings including a day in London, taking in the seaside and some fun meals/visits with family and friends. We also had some difficult grumpy times so the whole thing was very mixed but on the whole a positive experience of learning to manage without Dave. Although learning to live without Dave can also bring up difficult feelings, as it is not something you want to have to even try to do.

The end of the fortnight was marked by the wedding of Hayley (Dave's cousin's daughter) and James and this turned out to be the point where Emma and I reached an emotional "crescendo" if there is such a thing. The day was very significant for me as Hayley was a flower girl at our wedding 23 years ago and it was the first family wedding since Dave died. Going to French family weddings with Dave was always a joy in the past, as he was always so much fun and so entertaining and I have lovely memories of family weddings now going back to the first one I attended as part of my French family "induction" in 1983 (which coincidentally was the first time I met Hayley's mum and dad). I anticipated that the tears might flow so strategically tried to hide myself behind a pillar in the church! The bit of the service that really got to me was the vows particularly "for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part". It really struck me how little I had thought about those words and the promises when I had got married in 1986. I did say them at the time like a really meant them, but being a young and naive 23 at the time had no idea that the promises I was making I would be fully called upon to fulfill one day. But at least no-one can ever look at me and say I didn't deliver! I think that if I had to say something which singled out our marriage as particularly special it would have to be that it worked so phenomenally well when we were really "up against it" and not just in the sugary, easy to deal with, times.

The wedding was lovely and a real credit to everyone involved in organising it but further emotional stuff was to come. At the end of the speeches a toast was raised to "absent friends" and a list of names of people who sadly could not be there was read out. This was a lovely touch on the part of Hayley and James but by this time I was beside myself and the tears flowed. Seeing Terry as Hayley's proud dad all I could think of was the fact that Dave would not be able to be there for Emma should she ever get married, which if and when it happens, will be a very tough call. I was also very present to all the other important milestones in Emma's life that he will miss and felt so sad for him and all that he is missing out on, knowing how much he loved his very precious daughter.

Emma lasted well during the wedding and loved all the girlie aspects of being at a wedding - Hayley's dress, the bridesmaid's outfits, confetti and laughing at some of the wedding guests' "outfits" but her time was to come. As we were about to leave at about ten o'clock we sat in the gardens of the venue looking at the stars and she suddenly started to sob her heart out which continued until we got back to Brighton. Unfotunately when this happens she feels terrible physical sensations (on this occasion a terrible pain in her chest) but is rarely able to verbally express what she is feeling. Seeing her in so much pain always totally upsets me as you would expect and after putting her to bed I eventually cried myself to sleep. But anyway, we got through the day somehow and if we had to go to a wedding at this time, it was a good thing that it was Hayley and James's as they are such a lovely couple together and we were surrounded by a lot of love and people looking out for us on the day. But like everything else, however hard people try to support us, they cannot stop us feeling the pain - it has to come out somehow.

We have now been back in York for a week now and it has not been the easiest of times. Emma and I have both been quite tearful as I think the reality of what has happened bites hard. We cancelled a weekend away at a birthday party this weekend as neither of us felt up to facing large numbers of people for a second time in a fortnight so we have been "hibernating". It feels as though the summer is ending and I return to work full-time on Wednesday. It looks like a very long haul between now and Christmas for me - working full-time, doing everything around the house, still having problems sleeping and still grieving but I guess I will have to go back to my previous way of dealing with this as "one day at a time" and not think too far ahead as when I do the whole thing looks overwhelming.

And as well as looking at the difficult things we are dealing with, on the positive side I can see a lot of accomplishments in the last 6 months. I have personally got through things I would never have thought possible and that is on top of an incredibly difficult 3 years prior to Dave's death. It brings to mind the Churchill quote "When you are in Hell, keep going" which has almost become my motto recently! My spiritually enlightened friends keep telling me to fully immerse myself in the dark and difficult side of life that I am experiencing and that untold riches will come to me out of my experiences. So for now I am trusting them and reflecting on the famous Buddhist quote which says "All things pass" and if I didn't truly believe that I think I would completely and utterly have thrown the towel in by now!