Keep calm and carry on....we're British after all..

So how was Christmas? Interesting I guess and a mixture of a few highs and some very low lows. My mistake/miscalculation was in only psyching myself up for the main event i.e. Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. So determined was I for Emma to have the best Christmas she could have in the circumstances that I forgot about the second week of the holidays altogether and it snuck up to bite me on the backside!

Christmas Eve was a weird mixture of a day. Lunch, shopping and a party sandwiched on either side of a trip to lay a wreath on Dave's grave was bizarre to say the least. Thinking of how we were all 3 of us together only a year ago and now all that remained was a gravestone and a lot of memories was very hard for both Emma and I. We went to a friend's party a little later after this experience, knocked on the door and I froze like a rabbit in the headlights at the prospect of so many people I didn't know and no Dave to squeeze my hand or smile at me across the room. I would have shut the front door and get straight back in the car if looking good hadn't got the better of me! Instead I did the respectable thing, brazened it out for an hour and a half before retreating home to the sofa and a cuddle with Emma. Lots of people called to say they were thinking of us on Christmas Eve which was lovely and I basked in the warm glow of other people's concern and kindness.

Christmas Day and Boxing Day were fine. The dreaded present opening in bed with Emma turned out to be lovely and very moving and we were thoroughly spoilt with presents from some very kind people. Later we went out for the day to Trish and Rob's and were well looked after by our friends and managed to enjoy ourselves in a low key way. Boxing Day was also good - a walk followed by a nice meal. It is so lovely to have friends who will take care of you and allow you to be exactly the way you are (and the way you aren't).

And then I think I just ran out of steam - it didn't take much of a straw to break this camel's back. I had forgotten that for us as a family the days between Christmas and New Year were also a special time when Dave and I were both always off work and a time when we met up with friends, went out in town for coffees or went walking on the Moors or by the sea. And suddenly it looked like everyone was off with their families and it really was just me and Emma and the dave-shaped hole suddenly looked an awful lot bigger. Too much time to think seemed to send me on a downward slide and I started to worry that I couldn't do "this" any more....I still socialised and caught up with some friends, but a couple of evenings and afternoons were spent curled up in a foetal state on the sofa under a blanket wondering what my next move should be in this widdahood lark, and indeed, if I could be bothered to make a next move. A lot of tears were shed and the pink and puffy faced look became the order of the day for a little while.

New Year's Eve was an interesting experience. I had previously declared to my friends and Emma that although I would make an effort for Christmas I didn't intend to even try on New Year's Eve and would stay in out of the way so as to not spoil anyone else's party spirit. I have never really liked New Year's Eve anyway. All that pressure to enjoy yourself and all the inauthenticity of "Happy New Year" and stupid New Year's Resolutions, I could go on....... So we stayed in and cooked a nice meal and then went down to the river and lit a sky lantern for Dave. Came home feeling sad and offered Emma the opportunity to watch a movie together, her choice was Ghost! Now that would have made Dave laugh! And we were in bed for 10.30 and asleep before the fireworks! Job done and we survived......

New Year's Day I really wanted to go to the beach for a blast of sea air. It was very much a childish want as well. I always feel better for a blast at the coast but the weather (more heavy snow and severe weather warnings) conspired against us and we had to stay closer to home. I felt very grumpy and wanted to stamp my feet and say it was "soooo unfair" but instead I did the grown up thing. Looked at what was possible and plumped for a walk around the Castle Howard Estate in the snow with Emma. I was glad that I had "got off it" enough to be able to do it as we had a great day messing about in the snow.

The rest of the holiday passed quickly on a similar rollercoaster and I felt so wobbly and unsure of myself I was actually glad to return to work (a first!). I felt like I needed to break the mood as I could feel myself embarking on a downward spiral. I embarked on an extensive personal coaching programme (in other words gave myself a good talking to), got out my diary and started to put some milestones in for the year - things to look forward to and made arrangements to see people. In other words in my "mum's speak" I "pulled myself together" (yet again). And once again the beckoning life of depression, tablets and general misery was averted. Honestly, if you want to test your stamina and resilience and find out who you really are, give yourself a Really Big Problem. None of your trivial whingeing and moaning about everyday stuff like work, relationships, money etc. A Really Big Problem sorts out the men from the boys and the wheat from the chaff....

And so I am back on some sort of track, ready for the next wave that I need to surf which looks like the anniversary of Dave's death on February 9th. Yes there really is no peace for the wicked (still not quite sure what I did to deserve all this - possibly nothing)! Already the memories of this time last year are flooding in. It was today a year ago that we had to concede that nursing Dave at home was just getting too difficult for all of us and a year ago on Wednesday was the shocking and gutwrenching day that Dave left our home for the hospice. However, hard I am trying not to go over these memories, it is as though a film is playing in the background all the time whether I like it or not and sleeplessness has returned with a vengeance.

And now on closing I feel like I should be saying something interesting or meaningful but I can't think of anything. So I will just do what it says at the top and "Keep calm and carry on"....or at least I will try and we'll just have to see what happens next!