Just a short post about the funeral. It was one hell of a day for myself and Emma but I am told it went really well. Can't remember much about the service myself as I was completely overwhelmed and probably still in shock, but I am told that the service captured the essence of Dave(or "daveness" as we call it now!) and was very moving. It is difficult to know definite numbers but we believe more than 200 people were at the service.
The Chapel looked beautiful with displays of photos of Dave along with some of his paintings and sketches and beautiful flowers. The Reception seemed to go marvellously well. The food was all supplied by friends and relatives, although it was so good that numerous people thought we had professional caterers in! A good few glasses of champagne, wine and beer were drunk. In short, it was the kind of proper party that Dave would have liked and in true Dave style people mixed and mingled marvellously well!
More than a few thank yous are required........in no particular order!
To Jayne D for the Orders of Service. Beautifully prepared and printed at zero cost courtesy of a friendly printing firm in Leeds.
To Shari for making the DVD, taking the photos and organising the music. To Greg with assisting with the photos as well (can't wait to see them!).
To Julia for managing the catering (and organising all the display materials you clever girl) and to Hilary, Clare P, Jan, Trish and Rob, Claire M and a whole host of others for assisting in the organisation of the catering.
To Len and Lauren for organising the bar and to Sandy and others for helping. (Sorry I was so busy circulating I am sure I didn't see you all in action!). Sorry you didn't get a drink Len - I owe you one!
To PEP for the wine and the champagne and to Claire M for the beer and soft drinks and to everyone who contributed food or drinks. You are too numerous to mention!
To Amanda and Sue for the beautiful flowers which are now brightening up the Reception at the hospice. They were stunning.
To Irene for an absolutely wonderful service.
To Janet and the team at the Cemetery for all the help and support provided.
To Sue and Rymers for so much help and support in organising the funeral and sending me Irene. I feel very lucky to have found you.
And to all who contributed to the service: Howard and Tina, Sue, Amanda and Vicki, Stu, Paul, Steve (and Eilis!) and Leslie. You were all great.
I am sure I have missed people out as so many people participated in making Friday I great day. If I haven't mentioned you specifically please forgive me. Please also forgive me if I didn't get to speak to you personally - there were just too many people to get around!
And now to me. "How are you feeling?" is what people seem to want to know. Well, it is fair to say that after all the madness of the last couple of weeks spent organising the funeral I do feel quite low It is also fair to say that I am extremely tired. I was exhausted at the point where Dave died and the rollercoaster of the last two weeks has left me even more exhausted.
The predominant emotion I feel is just very very sad that Dave is no longer with us. The challenge of Emma and I adjusting to our new "normality" looms quite large at the moment, but if we can get through the last 3 years, I am sure Emma and I will rise to the challenge. After all, there is no way Dave would want us to sit around moping for too long! Emma is going back to school tomorrow morning and I will begin the next major task which is sorting out all of Dave's affairs, which is something I have not even started. I am also hoping for a bit of time to reflect on everything that has happened and to have some quiet "me" time for the first time in a very very long time.
And before I go, I must just mention that Stuart is going to do the Great Yorkshire Run at the beginning of September in honour of Dave. There is a link to his fundraising page on his Facebook page. If we can raise £500 he will run in those shorts from 1986 (from the photo display at the funeral.......:-)) and if we can get to £1k he will run dressed in the shorts and disguised as the 118 118 bloke from the adverts (not much of a makeover required there if he can regrow the moustache!). Don't forget Ben is also running the Hastings half marathon (his second this year) in March for Macmillan. His fundraising page is at www.justgiving.com/benelsey. Thanks to both of you for your support. Let's keep the "daveness" going.......!
Sunday 22 February 2009
Monday 16 February 2009
FAQs about the funeral
Ithought I would post the answers to a few FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions) about the funeral to save myself and others a few phone calls.
Where should we park for the funeral?
There is only parking for just a few cars at the Cemetery and those spaces will be needed for the funeral cars and the cars of the very close friends and family who have been invited to go with us to the Crematorium after the service in the Chapel and a couple of people involved with the catering. Please therefore do not park in the Cemetery as it could cause chaos and disruption.
There are two car parks nearby. There is the Kent Street Car Park, York, YO10 4AH and one of the local primary schools, St George's offers parking during the school holidays and will be open as it is half term in York. Their address is St George's RC Primary School, 1 Winterscale Street, Fishergate, York, YO10 4BT. Both car parks are within less than 5 minutes walking distance of the Chapel. There is also a Park and Ride service from the Designer Outlet for those of you who know York.
I am coming by train. Who are the local taxi companies?
If you are coming by train, there is a taxi rank outside the station where you will be able to get a taxi to the Cemetery Chapel on Cemetery Road. The refreshments after the ceremony will be finishing at approximately 3.30p.m. It is probably best to book a taxi back to the station as York can be quite busy on Friday afternoons. Two local taxi companies which we use are Fleetways 01904 645333 and Ebor Cars 01904 641441.
How do I write a cheque to "Emma's University Fund"?
Any money donated will be placed in a Building Society Account in Emma's name. It will not be being invested in the Stocks and Shares or anything like that for obvious reasons at the moment. If you would like to write a cheque it simply needs to be payable to Miss Emma French. There will be two buckets/baskets at the service, one for Emma and one for St Leonard's Hospice.
Emma very much knows her own mind and is very clear that she does want to go away to University and without blowing her trumpet too much (athough that is a mum's prerogative!) she is a very clever girl who is getting excellent results at school despite everything she has had to deal with in the last few years. So I am not just a pushy parent!
Other Points
If all goes to plan one of my friends will be filming the ceremony from a static camera as Dave and I have lots of friends who live overseas and we would like to be able to send them a dvd of the ceremony, as they are not able to attend for obvious reasons.
We are going to display some photos of Dave at the Chapel. If you have any nice or funny photos of Dave, particularly older ones, I would love it if you could bring them along to share with us. Emma and I will be preparing a memory box about Dave at a later date, so any photos you could leave with us would be really appreciated.
The funeral directors are J Rymers and if you have any queries they can be contacted on 01904 624320
And, on a final point, although I am sure many, many tears will be shed on Friday, Dave and I always intended that his funeral should be a celebration of his life. He was an amazing man and I hope his funeral will be able to capture a little of his essence.
Where should we park for the funeral?
There is only parking for just a few cars at the Cemetery and those spaces will be needed for the funeral cars and the cars of the very close friends and family who have been invited to go with us to the Crematorium after the service in the Chapel and a couple of people involved with the catering. Please therefore do not park in the Cemetery as it could cause chaos and disruption.
There are two car parks nearby. There is the Kent Street Car Park, York, YO10 4AH and one of the local primary schools, St George's offers parking during the school holidays and will be open as it is half term in York. Their address is St George's RC Primary School, 1 Winterscale Street, Fishergate, York, YO10 4BT. Both car parks are within less than 5 minutes walking distance of the Chapel. There is also a Park and Ride service from the Designer Outlet for those of you who know York.
I am coming by train. Who are the local taxi companies?
If you are coming by train, there is a taxi rank outside the station where you will be able to get a taxi to the Cemetery Chapel on Cemetery Road. The refreshments after the ceremony will be finishing at approximately 3.30p.m. It is probably best to book a taxi back to the station as York can be quite busy on Friday afternoons. Two local taxi companies which we use are Fleetways 01904 645333 and Ebor Cars 01904 641441.
How do I write a cheque to "Emma's University Fund"?
Any money donated will be placed in a Building Society Account in Emma's name. It will not be being invested in the Stocks and Shares or anything like that for obvious reasons at the moment. If you would like to write a cheque it simply needs to be payable to Miss Emma French. There will be two buckets/baskets at the service, one for Emma and one for St Leonard's Hospice.
Emma very much knows her own mind and is very clear that she does want to go away to University and without blowing her trumpet too much (athough that is a mum's prerogative!) she is a very clever girl who is getting excellent results at school despite everything she has had to deal with in the last few years. So I am not just a pushy parent!
Other Points
If all goes to plan one of my friends will be filming the ceremony from a static camera as Dave and I have lots of friends who live overseas and we would like to be able to send them a dvd of the ceremony, as they are not able to attend for obvious reasons.
We are going to display some photos of Dave at the Chapel. If you have any nice or funny photos of Dave, particularly older ones, I would love it if you could bring them along to share with us. Emma and I will be preparing a memory box about Dave at a later date, so any photos you could leave with us would be really appreciated.
The funeral directors are J Rymers and if you have any queries they can be contacted on 01904 624320
And, on a final point, although I am sure many, many tears will be shed on Friday, Dave and I always intended that his funeral should be a celebration of his life. He was an amazing man and I hope his funeral will be able to capture a little of his essence.
Wednesday 11 February 2009
The Funeral Arrangements - Friday 20th February
Today has been a very difficult day as Emma, Tricia, Claire and I have been to the funeral directors to make the funeral arrangements. This has proved to be quite a challenge as Dave's wish was to have a non-religious funeral and although York is stacked full of churches, the venue options are somewhat limited for the very large numbers of people we are expecting to attend the funeral.
We have decided to hold the funeral at the Chapel in York Cemetery which for those of you who do not know York is a beautiful Victorian cemetery. The Chapel inside the cemetery is a grade II listed building and has a lovely atmosphere. We will be having the service there at 10.45 a.m.on Friday 20th February and then immediate family and very close friends only will be proceding to the Crematorium for the committal. It is intended that the service in the Chapel will be a celebration of Dave's life.
Whilst we are at the Crematorium, a band of willing volunteers will be asked to help reorganise the Chapel in to a space for refreshments. We are doing our own catering due to cost constraints, any offers of help to either provide food, drinks or assist at the bar or informal waitressing will be greatly appreciated. Please contact me on my email or mobile if you would like to help and I will pass your details on to the friends who are organising things.
There is no dress code. Dave would just like you to be in the clothes that you are most happy and comfortable in at a funeral, so if black is your thing do that or if you like bright colours wear those. There will be no funeral flowers other than from very close family. Donations at the funeral instead of flowers can be made either to St Leonard's Hospice or to Emma's University Fund.
Numbers are limited to 200 in the Chapel and I'm afraid although I do not have a very clear idea of numbers I am anticipating that quite a number of people may need to stand during the service so I am sorry if you end up being in that category! I would also point out that like many churches if it is a cold day it will be very very chilly in there so I would pack your thermals and dress up warm (especially you namby pamby southerners:-) )! I do really hope that the sun will shine on us on that day in Dave's honour!
If you need to find out directions etc. the Cemetery has a web site which is www.yorkcemetery.org.uk. The address of the Cemetery is Cemetery Road, York, YO10 5AJ. Tel no: 01904 610578
We have decided to hold the funeral at the Chapel in York Cemetery which for those of you who do not know York is a beautiful Victorian cemetery. The Chapel inside the cemetery is a grade II listed building and has a lovely atmosphere. We will be having the service there at 10.45 a.m.on Friday 20th February and then immediate family and very close friends only will be proceding to the Crematorium for the committal. It is intended that the service in the Chapel will be a celebration of Dave's life.
Whilst we are at the Crematorium, a band of willing volunteers will be asked to help reorganise the Chapel in to a space for refreshments. We are doing our own catering due to cost constraints, any offers of help to either provide food, drinks or assist at the bar or informal waitressing will be greatly appreciated. Please contact me on my email or mobile if you would like to help and I will pass your details on to the friends who are organising things.
There is no dress code. Dave would just like you to be in the clothes that you are most happy and comfortable in at a funeral, so if black is your thing do that or if you like bright colours wear those. There will be no funeral flowers other than from very close family. Donations at the funeral instead of flowers can be made either to St Leonard's Hospice or to Emma's University Fund.
Numbers are limited to 200 in the Chapel and I'm afraid although I do not have a very clear idea of numbers I am anticipating that quite a number of people may need to stand during the service so I am sorry if you end up being in that category! I would also point out that like many churches if it is a cold day it will be very very chilly in there so I would pack your thermals and dress up warm (especially you namby pamby southerners:-) )! I do really hope that the sun will shine on us on that day in Dave's honour!
If you need to find out directions etc. the Cemetery has a web site which is www.yorkcemetery.org.uk. The address of the Cemetery is Cemetery Road, York, YO10 5AJ. Tel no: 01904 610578
Tuesday 10 February 2009
To Infinity and Beyond....
Time to write the news that I guess most of you will either already know or will be expecting.......
Dave died yesterday (Monday 9th February) at 9.15 a.m. in the hospice after what had been a very difficult few days. His death at the very end was, however, very peaceful and a wonderful energy was present in the room.
The support from the nursing staff in the hospice was wonderful and my "bestest friends" Tricia and Claire supported me in a way which was absolutely extraordinary. I truly do not know how I would have got through the whole thing without them. Emma once again surpassed herself and was absolutely amazing and our relationship is now at a whole new level. There is a unique bond between us which will never be broken as a result of this shared experience.
At the moment, Emma and I are going through a huge range of emotions, which seem to come in waves and which are probably to be expected. The predominant ones being a mixture of shock and numbness. Although we have all known for a long while that Dave's illness was terminal, when his death actually came it has had a very unreal quality. I think we both keep expecting him to walk through the door with a big smile on his face and his big booming laugh and say that the whole thing was all a silly joke or dream.
I went to the Registry Office with Tricia to register his death today and simply could not believe that at the age of 47 my wonderful husband was dead and my daughter had lost her father and that we have been robbed of the 30 or so years we should still have had together. Cancer is a very terrible illness and even though we have given it our best shot, it feels a bit like Dave never really stood a chance. The die was already cast. But that's life for you, totally random!
I am in the process of organising the funeral and will post details on the blog as soon as they are finalised.
As for the blog, a substantial number of people have told me that they have got so much out of reading it and have asked me whether I would continue with it as I go through the grieving process. At the moment, I am not sure if I am brave enough to share my feelings as I embark on the next rollercoaster, but it is something I will seriously consider and will certainly do if I feel I am up to the task!
Dave died yesterday (Monday 9th February) at 9.15 a.m. in the hospice after what had been a very difficult few days. His death at the very end was, however, very peaceful and a wonderful energy was present in the room.
The support from the nursing staff in the hospice was wonderful and my "bestest friends" Tricia and Claire supported me in a way which was absolutely extraordinary. I truly do not know how I would have got through the whole thing without them. Emma once again surpassed herself and was absolutely amazing and our relationship is now at a whole new level. There is a unique bond between us which will never be broken as a result of this shared experience.
At the moment, Emma and I are going through a huge range of emotions, which seem to come in waves and which are probably to be expected. The predominant ones being a mixture of shock and numbness. Although we have all known for a long while that Dave's illness was terminal, when his death actually came it has had a very unreal quality. I think we both keep expecting him to walk through the door with a big smile on his face and his big booming laugh and say that the whole thing was all a silly joke or dream.
I went to the Registry Office with Tricia to register his death today and simply could not believe that at the age of 47 my wonderful husband was dead and my daughter had lost her father and that we have been robbed of the 30 or so years we should still have had together. Cancer is a very terrible illness and even though we have given it our best shot, it feels a bit like Dave never really stood a chance. The die was already cast. But that's life for you, totally random!
I am in the process of organising the funeral and will post details on the blog as soon as they are finalised.
As for the blog, a substantial number of people have told me that they have got so much out of reading it and have asked me whether I would continue with it as I go through the grieving process. At the moment, I am not sure if I am brave enough to share my feelings as I embark on the next rollercoaster, but it is something I will seriously consider and will certainly do if I feel I am up to the task!
Wednesday 4 February 2009
The dark night of the soul
Sarah again. Am aware that by now all this may be getting too much for some of you but I find posting on here quite therapeutic (and god knows I could do with some therapy right now! ) so I'm going to start typing and see what happens. Soooooo with a serious "tissues at the ready" warning here goes.
We have now completed a week in the hospice and it looks as though from what the doctors say we may be in for the slightly longer haul rather than the short haul we had anticipated. In my world, as I have already said to some friends, this is rather like being asked to run a marathon when you are already exhausted. I personally am already on my knees and have no idea how long I will need to maintain my current strength or indeed, how I can possibly generate that strength ongoingly. I really have been wondering how much more we can all take.
The first few days in the hospice, as Dave has already said, were spent adjusting to the institutionalised nature of the hospice. As an example, emergency pain relief now takes 15 minutes due to procedures and security, rather than the 30 seconds it took to reach for the bottle and fill the syringe that it did at home, and 15 minutes is a long time when you are in as much pain as Dave. Things like that aside the staff are friendly and supportive and we have gradually got used to things. For me it has been hard to let go as I feel that I know exactly the way Dave likes things done and I still cringe when I see things that, in my world, are not being done quite "right". I also find periods away from the hospice really upsetting. I know that I need a break and some fresh air or sleep, but I know that Dave hates it when I am not there, so a guilt can ensue however hard I try to suppress it. Yet again, I am torn between being with Dave in the hospice and life with Emma at home. We did all stay over at the hospice last night with Emma watching The Matrix whilst Dave gently dozed. Although Dave could not talk much it was lovely to be altogether.
There have been some magical moments as well as some very sad ones at the hospice and we have finally had our Three Musketeer time, uncluttered by visitors. On Sunday afternoon we brought in some bird food and Emma filled the bird feeder and sprinkled the food all over the balcony. Within a short time we watched a host of squirrels and birds come together to feed - a bit like a scene from Snow White or Bambi with snow swirling in the background. On Monday, Howard and Tina came and Tina gave Dave a scalp and hand massage, whilst Howard and I snuggled up on the sofa and chatted. The very presence of Howard and Tina is very spiritual and healing and a great gift to us for which we will always be grateful.
The harder side and the low points have been for me seeing Dave so vulnerable and low. In the 27 years I have known Dave he has consistently been cheerful and fun with only the occasional grumpy moments thrown in. He has been one of those people who can really irritate you by things like singing loudly in the mornings when you are still trying to wake up! And, as most of you know, Dave has continued to be very gung ho throughout his illness. I remember after his first operation when we were told only 50% of people were still alive 5 years after their initial diagnosis of colorectal cancer, whilst I recoiled with horror at this disgraceful statistic (death rates are much higher in the UK than elsewhere in the world), he laughed and said that was pretty good odds! In the last week though he has really struggled, with terrible pain (which the hospice are only just getting on top of) and awful episodes of breathlessness which have made him very anxious. The words Dave and anxious have never in the history of "Daveness" ever been heard together in the same sentence. Emma and I have both been very very distressed to see Dave in this state and for me it has seemed quite hard work to get the staff to understand what a radical change of mood this is for Dave, although as of yesterday things do seem to be moving. There has also been the witnessing of a serious physical decline, almost total loss of mobility and increasing sedation, which though in Dave's best interests, is again almost overwhelming and has resulted in many tears being shed by all of us.
On Monday Howard and Tina left me with a book called "Gentle dying: the simple guide to achieving a peaceful death". I stayed over on my own at the hospice on Monday night whilst Claire looked after Emma at home. I read this very short book from cover to cover whilst Dave slept. It is written by a woman who was the founder of the Hospice of the Heart Trust called Felicity Warner. The book was really interesting to me and I was really pleased to find that I had already been doing a lot of things advocated instinctively. I was particularly drawn to one particular section called "The dark night of the soul". The book describes a phase in the dying process when even the most spiritual people lose and their faith and feel utterly abandoned. Felicity states that "It's as if, for a defined period near the point of death, they (the person) must detach from all comforting belief systems and their direct connection with the divine. It's an utterly desolate experience, empty, bleak and a huge chasm to sink in to". The theory is that this is just part of the dying process and part of final surrender, and that when this is over "the energy shifts from fear to enlightenment and can feel like the sun appearing from behind the clouds". I was interested to see that this phase is thought to hit people with very strong religious or spiritual beliefs very hard, particularly priests and healers. I see Dave as an unqualified, undercover and maverick priest and healer with a lot of the people he meets in the world, so maybe this is why he has been hit particularly hard. I read the section of the book to Dave first thing on Tuesday morning and I hope he will not mind me saying that he flooded with tears as it really seemed to hit the spot regarding what he had been feeling. To think that this may be a phase that all terminally ill people go through seemed to ease some of his anxiety and made him feel a little more normal.
As I sit here tonight having come home for a rest I can only hope that the sun soon appears from behind the clouds soon for him so that he can have the calm and peaceful death he craves. He really has suffered more than enough.
We have now completed a week in the hospice and it looks as though from what the doctors say we may be in for the slightly longer haul rather than the short haul we had anticipated. In my world, as I have already said to some friends, this is rather like being asked to run a marathon when you are already exhausted. I personally am already on my knees and have no idea how long I will need to maintain my current strength or indeed, how I can possibly generate that strength ongoingly. I really have been wondering how much more we can all take.
The first few days in the hospice, as Dave has already said, were spent adjusting to the institutionalised nature of the hospice. As an example, emergency pain relief now takes 15 minutes due to procedures and security, rather than the 30 seconds it took to reach for the bottle and fill the syringe that it did at home, and 15 minutes is a long time when you are in as much pain as Dave. Things like that aside the staff are friendly and supportive and we have gradually got used to things. For me it has been hard to let go as I feel that I know exactly the way Dave likes things done and I still cringe when I see things that, in my world, are not being done quite "right". I also find periods away from the hospice really upsetting. I know that I need a break and some fresh air or sleep, but I know that Dave hates it when I am not there, so a guilt can ensue however hard I try to suppress it. Yet again, I am torn between being with Dave in the hospice and life with Emma at home. We did all stay over at the hospice last night with Emma watching The Matrix whilst Dave gently dozed. Although Dave could not talk much it was lovely to be altogether.
There have been some magical moments as well as some very sad ones at the hospice and we have finally had our Three Musketeer time, uncluttered by visitors. On Sunday afternoon we brought in some bird food and Emma filled the bird feeder and sprinkled the food all over the balcony. Within a short time we watched a host of squirrels and birds come together to feed - a bit like a scene from Snow White or Bambi with snow swirling in the background. On Monday, Howard and Tina came and Tina gave Dave a scalp and hand massage, whilst Howard and I snuggled up on the sofa and chatted. The very presence of Howard and Tina is very spiritual and healing and a great gift to us for which we will always be grateful.
The harder side and the low points have been for me seeing Dave so vulnerable and low. In the 27 years I have known Dave he has consistently been cheerful and fun with only the occasional grumpy moments thrown in. He has been one of those people who can really irritate you by things like singing loudly in the mornings when you are still trying to wake up! And, as most of you know, Dave has continued to be very gung ho throughout his illness. I remember after his first operation when we were told only 50% of people were still alive 5 years after their initial diagnosis of colorectal cancer, whilst I recoiled with horror at this disgraceful statistic (death rates are much higher in the UK than elsewhere in the world), he laughed and said that was pretty good odds! In the last week though he has really struggled, with terrible pain (which the hospice are only just getting on top of) and awful episodes of breathlessness which have made him very anxious. The words Dave and anxious have never in the history of "Daveness" ever been heard together in the same sentence. Emma and I have both been very very distressed to see Dave in this state and for me it has seemed quite hard work to get the staff to understand what a radical change of mood this is for Dave, although as of yesterday things do seem to be moving. There has also been the witnessing of a serious physical decline, almost total loss of mobility and increasing sedation, which though in Dave's best interests, is again almost overwhelming and has resulted in many tears being shed by all of us.
On Monday Howard and Tina left me with a book called "Gentle dying: the simple guide to achieving a peaceful death". I stayed over on my own at the hospice on Monday night whilst Claire looked after Emma at home. I read this very short book from cover to cover whilst Dave slept. It is written by a woman who was the founder of the Hospice of the Heart Trust called Felicity Warner. The book was really interesting to me and I was really pleased to find that I had already been doing a lot of things advocated instinctively. I was particularly drawn to one particular section called "The dark night of the soul". The book describes a phase in the dying process when even the most spiritual people lose and their faith and feel utterly abandoned. Felicity states that "It's as if, for a defined period near the point of death, they (the person) must detach from all comforting belief systems and their direct connection with the divine. It's an utterly desolate experience, empty, bleak and a huge chasm to sink in to". The theory is that this is just part of the dying process and part of final surrender, and that when this is over "the energy shifts from fear to enlightenment and can feel like the sun appearing from behind the clouds". I was interested to see that this phase is thought to hit people with very strong religious or spiritual beliefs very hard, particularly priests and healers. I see Dave as an unqualified, undercover and maverick priest and healer with a lot of the people he meets in the world, so maybe this is why he has been hit particularly hard. I read the section of the book to Dave first thing on Tuesday morning and I hope he will not mind me saying that he flooded with tears as it really seemed to hit the spot regarding what he had been feeling. To think that this may be a phase that all terminally ill people go through seemed to ease some of his anxiety and made him feel a little more normal.
As I sit here tonight having come home for a rest I can only hope that the sun soon appears from behind the clouds soon for him so that he can have the calm and peaceful death he craves. He really has suffered more than enough.
Monday 2 February 2009
Playing the waiting game
It is very pleasant here, sitting in my single room, watching the birds on the balcony trying to eat the bird food being snatched by the squirrels as the snow flurries are blown about the fields behind the hospice.
I have, as they say, "settled in", by which I think they mean I am no longer disrupting any hospice routines by making unreasonable demands about when I take my tablets! Once again, all the staff are genuinely caring, knowledgeable and wonderful in their treatment of us patients.
I am growing weaker by the day, able to walk less, desiring to sleep more, and generally wanting this to be over. Sorry to put it so bluntly for some of you, but it is the truth. The ideal would be for me to go from fully functioning and alert adult to completely non-functioning, fully non-responsive corpse in the flash of a magic wand, having had all the "goodbye" conversations I could have wanted to have, and to leave each and every member of family and friends in a place where they know exactly how important a part they have played in my life, in ways that they are completely unaware of. Yep, that would be ideal. Instead, however, I play the waiting game, taking enough drugs to keep me almost pain free, sedated enough to be comfortable, yet not too sedated to be comatose. The result is a degree of bored anticipation; of not knowing what is next and of not knowing what will "get me". But in a time, allowing Emma and Sarah to discuss if Emma wants to be there at my end holding my hand; who Emma wants to have at the funeral for her support; and how they might both be after the event of my death. I am so proud they can already speak to each other as a duet and not our happy trio.
There are a few things I want to say on passing. So many people, and I include myself in this, believe the physical world to be a manifestation of a separate "ideal" or "spiritual" world in some way. In my simplistice brain, all I take it to mean is that my body is controlled by my conscious and subconscious mind, and hence my cancer was created by this form called David French. I also believe there is a spiritual dimension to all humanity (and other conscious beings), and that this too must have concurred with the suggestion that David French have cancer. I say that because above all I believe the spiritual essence of all human beings places us on a journey the moment we arrive on the planet (maybe even before).
Sarah doesn't like it when I say it, but my spiritual dimension has required me to depart this world by this particular method. It is to teach me something that I am dying this way, and I'd prefer I didn't have to do it, but my spiritual element is by far the more powerful element for me and far too strong to be beaten. So I'll die in a few days, I'll go to where I'm required leaving more than I've ever loved before to go to somewhere else. How much it hurts me to leave the love and loved ones I know, I cannot tell you.
And I think that's the place to stop.
I have, as they say, "settled in", by which I think they mean I am no longer disrupting any hospice routines by making unreasonable demands about when I take my tablets! Once again, all the staff are genuinely caring, knowledgeable and wonderful in their treatment of us patients.
I am growing weaker by the day, able to walk less, desiring to sleep more, and generally wanting this to be over. Sorry to put it so bluntly for some of you, but it is the truth. The ideal would be for me to go from fully functioning and alert adult to completely non-functioning, fully non-responsive corpse in the flash of a magic wand, having had all the "goodbye" conversations I could have wanted to have, and to leave each and every member of family and friends in a place where they know exactly how important a part they have played in my life, in ways that they are completely unaware of. Yep, that would be ideal. Instead, however, I play the waiting game, taking enough drugs to keep me almost pain free, sedated enough to be comfortable, yet not too sedated to be comatose. The result is a degree of bored anticipation; of not knowing what is next and of not knowing what will "get me". But in a time, allowing Emma and Sarah to discuss if Emma wants to be there at my end holding my hand; who Emma wants to have at the funeral for her support; and how they might both be after the event of my death. I am so proud they can already speak to each other as a duet and not our happy trio.
There are a few things I want to say on passing. So many people, and I include myself in this, believe the physical world to be a manifestation of a separate "ideal" or "spiritual" world in some way. In my simplistice brain, all I take it to mean is that my body is controlled by my conscious and subconscious mind, and hence my cancer was created by this form called David French. I also believe there is a spiritual dimension to all humanity (and other conscious beings), and that this too must have concurred with the suggestion that David French have cancer. I say that because above all I believe the spiritual essence of all human beings places us on a journey the moment we arrive on the planet (maybe even before).
Sarah doesn't like it when I say it, but my spiritual dimension has required me to depart this world by this particular method. It is to teach me something that I am dying this way, and I'd prefer I didn't have to do it, but my spiritual element is by far the more powerful element for me and far too strong to be beaten. So I'll die in a few days, I'll go to where I'm required leaving more than I've ever loved before to go to somewhere else. How much it hurts me to leave the love and loved ones I know, I cannot tell you.
And I think that's the place to stop.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
