And it's goodnight from him and it's goodnight from me....

Hi there. Sarah here. An inability to sleep is leading me to do the typical womanly thing and try to have the last word......

What a few days these have been. A whirlwind of people visiting which although it has been nice to see people has left us with virtually no time together as The Three Musketeers - our preferred state. Time has flown and our little house seems to have turned in to a medical ward and visitor waiting room rather than our home, which has not been easy for Emma although, as usual, she has not complained very much about people hijacking time with her dad. We realised enough was enough with that when she was either permanently slumped on the sofa or hiding in her room. I am at the stage where I feel exhausted from looking after Dave (even with the night support), this combined with tending to all the visitors and having to act as a bouncer for Dave when people outstay their welcome has not been easy. Even loud voices have become painful to him and constantly ringing phones have become extremely irritating to him.

The move to the hospice has been difficult in some ways as we would have preferred to move there at the end of this week or at the weekend. We had hoped to have Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday together just the three of us after all the hubbub. Unfortunately hospice beds at the hospice in York (St Leonards) are currently very much at a premium. The hospice normally has 20 beds but due to building work to extend the hospice only 6 beds are currently open. We were offered a bed today thanks to Caroline's hard work, but were told that if we declined this one it would be uncertain when another one would become available. I did ask if they would hold the bed till Thursday, so we could have our quiet time at home but was told this was not possible. For a few hours this really upset me as to think that Dave will walk out of our house, never to return, first thing tomorrow morning I find heartbreaking and to have so little time to adjust to this idea was very difficult for all of us - we shed many tears together. We went for a walk by the river to clear our heads - the Two Bridges walk as we call it will always remind me of this time as we have had so many conversations about Dave's illness on this route over the last two and a half years. It started with Dave and I walking at quite a pace, slowed down as he had to slow down (at one point to such an extent that I wondered if he would complete the circuit without an ambulance, to Christmas Eve when he first needed the wheelchair to get round. Many people have accompanied us on the route at various times.

It was cold yesterday but we made it and chatted all the way which cleared our heads. I decided to readjust my interpretation of going to the hospice "too soon and being cheated of the time together" to the fact that we are lucky to have the bed as I'm sure there are currently many people waiting. As I calmed down I decided that it is better to go now whilst we can still cope at home, than to start to be unable to cope at home and then not be able to get a bed which would be very stressful and could mean a lot of panic ensuing. Going now whilst Dave is still conscious means that he can organise his room as he wants it and have time to settle and get to know the staff.

Once again I must mention Emma who in the conversation with Caroline in the morning was asked what her opinion was on the move to the hospice and said "It needs to be whatever is best for you Dad". Typical of her astounding generosity. She too, was very upset and hates the thought of him going but just wants the best for him. Her capacity to deal with this on a daily basis still astounds me, particularly in the last few weeks when Dave has deteriorated so quickly. Our current coping mechanism is based almost entirely on cuddles and hugs.

For myself now I think life will be a lot easier for us as a family at the hospice as Dave will get the peace and quiet to make his final preparations for death that he craves. He really does want quiet time and does not want to be surrounded by lots of people and I hope that people will understand this and give him the space he needs. As popular and well loved as he is, he sees the time at the hospice as time to be with Emma and I - real quality time for us as a family. I also hope for myself that I will be able to take less of a carer role with so many people to help and be able to go back a bit to being just simply his partner in life.

It is clear to me that Dave is ready to die. His body is struggling so much and he is simply too tired and exhausted to struggle on any more. He gets more and more weak every day and wants to go now. I believe that the hospice will give him the dignified end that such a brave and courageous man deserves. He really has given this disease his best shot and made such a difference to so many lives through the blog and also by just being himself. We are still receiving emails every day from people acknowledging what a difference he has made to their life just by talking and listening to them. He is one very special man. I am unbelievably sad that our life together is being cut so short. It had been my plan to be with him for at least another 30 years but clearly that is not to be, so at this stage I can only look back at a wonderful 27 years together and all the fantastic and fun memories that we have of life lived to the full. I think I am truly ready to let him go as I don't want him to suffer any more.

So will the blog end here? Not really sure. We always said we wanted to have it be a fun thing and an expression of all the love and laughter and amazing relationships that we have in our family and in our life, so if that life becomes all about the medical stuff and Dave's bodily functions in the immediate future it probably is time to call it quits and just be in peace together. We shall have to see.

In the meantime, much love to you all. Thanks for all the support. Sarahxx