I am getting pretty spaced out by a combination of drugs (some very interesting experiences could be had on a little too much of what I am taking, I'm sure) and tiredness. For example, we weren't really certain I'd be able to make it to the hospital to get my cassette changed today because of the occasional need for oxygen and my ability to fall asleep in the blink of an eye - I find the trip to the bathroom is a tiring half marathon!
Sarah will fill you in on the details of the last few days, and I will be giving the writing a rest for a while as I am far too easily confused and befuddled to be certain I am writing English and making any sense at all. I have no doubt I shall soon become ored and frustrated with the silence, but for the next few days at least, I am going to have a break.
All I want to say of the last few days is they represent, in one small way, a miracle. On Saturday, after the bed had been brought in (fully functional bendy in the middle and tilt you on your head hospital bed) and the downstairs rearranged to accomodate it and myself permanently, we sat down to dinner together, Sarah, Emma and I. Emma asked what the expectation was for me, and I stalled with a counter question "Expectation of what?" and she made it clear she meant how long did I have. And now she knows what Sarah and I have been told by both the MacMillan nurse and the doctors in palliative care, I can tell you the answer I gave her: it's probably a fortnight or so.
Emma cried, and said "You'll miss my birthday." And all I could say was "Yes".
What was amazing was after the news was broken, we were soon talking about memories we shared and we were laughing together and family-group-hugging together. I truly am stunned by the unit called our family; I know more than ever before we are wrapped in a love that is invincible.
And if I don't actually get bored with remaining silent, there are only a few more things I would want to say. The first is what I have gained from the experience of
two and a half years of cancer; it is that I am loved in a way I could never have dreamed was possible, I am more resourceful and resillient than I thought possible, and life lived truly day by day becomes something more beautiful, vibrant and filled with miracles than a life lived from concerns for the future.
The second is what I'd like to tell my Grandchildren about their Grandfather; he gave more to the World than he took out.
And the third is what I would recommend as a philosophy of life to anyone foolish enough to ask me for it; in today's world, it may not be entirely true to say that love is all you need, but if you live life like it is all you need, then maybe even the shittier things work out in the end.
I'll speak to you soon, probably.
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Our little superstar!
Sitting down so you can't see the morphine pump!
Me and my girls
Our picture in the paper!
David French's cancer story and update (with pictures!)
Emma
Our little superstar!
MacMillan Cancer Support
I have decided to use this blog as means of playing a mind diverting game of raising a few quid for the wonderful people at MacMillan, who provide invaluable support for people at all stages of cancer. If you have found the blog interesting, useful or moving, please click on the "donate" button below, and you can be a part of this game. The current target is £10,000, but if just 5 people gave £1, and then enrolled five others to do the same, after just 6 rounds, we'd raise well over £100,000! Please consider donating, and if you can't do that, please share this address with at least five other people. Many thanks!
David
David
Email Address
In case some people do not want to leave a comment that could be viewed by others, or you want to drop me a line to ask a question or just to say hello, here is my email address: david.french@pepconsultancy.com
If you want to contact Sarah her email address is sarah@lefrenchies.wanadoo.co.uk
If you want to contact Sarah her email address is sarah@lefrenchies.wanadoo.co.uk
Background Information
I'm a forty seven year old husband and father of one daughter, living in York, and it's about a year this November since I was told I had between one and three years to live.
Having been diagnosed in 2006 with bowel cancer, operated upon and being told thereafter that the cancer had all been removed, I thought I had made it through a relatively tough period in my life.
Then in 2007, when I was on holiday in Portugal with my wife and daughter, I began to experience some pains in the pelvis, and brought forward my planned October review to September. After a few tests, it turned out that the cancer had already been on the move before it was removed, and was now in my lungs (two small tumours in the right lung), on the prostate (as opposed to inside the prostate which is what happens with prostate cancer), and also in my lymph system (which is the means by which it had travelled elsewhere).
So, I have decided to publish this blog with a view to updating all those who are interested on the latest developments, and, perhaps, to provide some information that might help other people who have bowel cancer in whatever stages.
I hope that it's useful, and maybe (as some people have told me that I have been "inspiring" in my approach) give people some increased sense of hope.
Feel free to comment on anything you see here, and use it to get in touch with me if you want to do so.
Having been diagnosed in 2006 with bowel cancer, operated upon and being told thereafter that the cancer had all been removed, I thought I had made it through a relatively tough period in my life.
Then in 2007, when I was on holiday in Portugal with my wife and daughter, I began to experience some pains in the pelvis, and brought forward my planned October review to September. After a few tests, it turned out that the cancer had already been on the move before it was removed, and was now in my lungs (two small tumours in the right lung), on the prostate (as opposed to inside the prostate which is what happens with prostate cancer), and also in my lymph system (which is the means by which it had travelled elsewhere).
So, I have decided to publish this blog with a view to updating all those who are interested on the latest developments, and, perhaps, to provide some information that might help other people who have bowel cancer in whatever stages.
I hope that it's useful, and maybe (as some people have told me that I have been "inspiring" in my approach) give people some increased sense of hope.
Feel free to comment on anything you see here, and use it to get in touch with me if you want to do so.
Brief History
- October 2008: Get given a wheelchair - just in case!
- September 2008: Buy a walking stick! This is to prevent me falling over when I give myself a boost of the drugs into my spine, as the local anaesthetic makes my legs go numb.
- August 2008: have a catheter inserted into my spinal fluid which is fixed to a pump containg morphine and a local anaesthetic
- May 2008: by now, taking a few hundred milligrams of morphine per day to manage the pain
- April 2008: Chemo stops early due to side effects. No further treatment recommended at this stage, and referred to the Palliative Care Team for pain and symptom management
- March 2008: stop the Oxiloplatin part of chemo due to loss of feeling in the fingers
- December 2007: Chemotherapy recommences with forthightly treatments into a Hickman line (tube into the chest that runs up to the veins in my neck to put chemicals directly to the heart
- December 2007: doctors tell me it's incurable, but that with treatment I have probably two to three years of life left in me
- November 2007: PET scan and lymph node biopsy confirm cancer in the lymph nodes in the pelvis
- October 2007: CT and MRI show tumours on the lung, and possible tumour on prostate
- September 2007: Bring forwaard October's review, and the hospital sets up new CT and MRI scans to check out the pains
- August 2007: Pains in the pelvis begin to make sitting uncomfortable, but a couple of nurofen seem to do the trick
- April 2007: First review meeting declares all is well
- January 2007: start to work again after miraculous speed of recovery!
- November 2006: Operation to remove rectum and Sigmoid colon (the bend just before the rectum
- October 2006: Consultants confirm tumour is operable, and that permanent colostomy is probable
- September 2006: Chemo-Radiotherapy starts
- August 2006: first visit to Cookridge to meet the Chemo-radiotherapy team
- July 2006: Results confirm tumour in the rectum
- June 2006: Colonoscopy and MRI scan
- June 2006: Visit to the Colo - Rectal Clinic
- May 2006: first examination by the GP
About Attitude
Because part of the purpose of this site is to serve as a useful source for other people with cancer, and because I believe attitude is vital when facing cancer and the possibility of death because of it, I am including a precis of an earlier post about the attitude I have adopted to having cancer. The earlier post in full can be accessed by going to the bottom of this page and clicking "Older Posts".
1. Be responsible: if you are not responsible for the fact you have cancer, you are a victim of it and looking to blame your having it on something or someone else. Responsible does not mean you blame your self, just that you have the power to respond to the fact you have cancer.
2. Behaviour in the present is being given by the future you can see for yourself. If you can see surviving as a future, your behaviour will be consistent with that future.
3. You always have a choice. You can choose every second of every day the response you have to your cancer. You can choose to live powerfully with it, or not.
4. Choice can only truly occur if you have considered all the possible outcomes. A person who is scared of dying is not choosing to live, but trying not to die. This would be fine if it were not for the fact that to be this way is to continually bring the thought of dying along with you. Choosing to live once you are not afraid of death does not bring the thought of death along with it.
5. Every emotional response is valid: trying not to feel sad, or trying not to cry, or forcing oneself to try to be positive all the time is to deny your humanity. Allow yourself to feel exactly how you feel, and the feeling can then pass freely on its way without being supressed and adding more emotional pressure onto an already emotionally charged situation.
1. Be responsible: if you are not responsible for the fact you have cancer, you are a victim of it and looking to blame your having it on something or someone else. Responsible does not mean you blame your self, just that you have the power to respond to the fact you have cancer.
2. Behaviour in the present is being given by the future you can see for yourself. If you can see surviving as a future, your behaviour will be consistent with that future.
3. You always have a choice. You can choose every second of every day the response you have to your cancer. You can choose to live powerfully with it, or not.
4. Choice can only truly occur if you have considered all the possible outcomes. A person who is scared of dying is not choosing to live, but trying not to die. This would be fine if it were not for the fact that to be this way is to continually bring the thought of dying along with you. Choosing to live once you are not afraid of death does not bring the thought of death along with it.
5. Every emotional response is valid: trying not to feel sad, or trying not to cry, or forcing oneself to try to be positive all the time is to deny your humanity. Allow yourself to feel exactly how you feel, and the feeling can then pass freely on its way without being supressed and adding more emotional pressure onto an already emotionally charged situation.
Summer 08
Sitting down so you can't see the morphine pump!
The Family
Me and my girls
From the Yorkshire Evening Press
Our picture in the paper!
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