Rearranging Furniture

It's been an eventful few days in the French household, such that now, as I write, the dining room now has a few extra accessories: a hospital bed groaning and creaking as the inflatable mattress keeps adjusting itself, a baby monitor for Sarah to listen to my breathing at night, and an oxygen cylinder with 20 metres of tubing to allow me to make a trip to the bathroom without having to remove the oxygen mask (it is anticipated I may come to need it all the time at some point), and, if I can'be bbothered to make it to the toilet, a flask designed to accomodate my nocturnal urinary production.

This all came about after a conversation with Caroline Allison, our MacMillan Nurse, on Thursday afternoon. I knew immediately after that conversation I would never have a panic attack again, which may be a strange thing to say (but backed up by evidence today). The conversation had been about me, and why I seemed to having these attacks, and we began from assuming it was not just based upon the fact I had experienced the severe shortages of breath. I had already decided, I would not let the panic get me, because what was the worst that could happen? Probably death, which was not such a bad thing. Caroline said, "It may also be david that this is the first time you have experienced any loss of control throughout your illness, and many people will have been telling you to fight it and keep on going."

That was certainly true. Many people, in an immense compliment to me have said "If anyone can beat it David, you can!" And while that is a great compliment, it can also become a burden, as I began to take on the responsibility for making sure all these people remained calm and reassured.

Caroline asked "If you look at these attacks of shortness of breath through that, what does it mean, do you think?" That was the kind of question I was taught to ask during my psychotherapist training. I said, "The fact I'm getting them, and some of them are based in panic, means I am letting down all those people. When in fact, the worst that could happen is my death, and that wouldn't be a terrible thing for me - Sarah and Emma might have a horrible time, but I would be at peace."

It was then, Sarah tells me, that she my face relax, and my body do the same thing as if some huge weight had been lifted from me. and I knew it had. I no longer had to fight to survive, I no longer have to prove myself as anything, and I have no qualms about dying as both Emma (in her amazing letter to me, and Sarah ( in her amazing way of being completely straight with people) had given me permission to go, and to not put myself through any more pain or undue trauma.

Last night I slept in the bed downstairs to ensure it is comfortable and all the equipment works. Fortunately, the bed makes so much whirring and hissing nomye, the cat decided to steer well clear of it and hence I did not at any time wake up with a cat on my head. I have been given some tablets to help with sleeping too, as well as calming my nerves should another panic occur, but given today I made the trip to the shop at the top of our road without carrying the portable oxygen, and not having taken a relaxant tablet beforehand, I honestly feel it is all a thing of the past.

Caroline's speedy actions also led to us getting the hospital bed and the miles of extra tubing for the oxygen. The former due to the probale fact i will eventually be unable to tackle the stairs due to immobility, and the latter because it is possible I will always need to be on oxygen as the lung tumour has greater impact.

It may seem strange, especially to some, that the content of our meeting was all about the negative potential impacts of the illness, and not the positive elements. But as I have said before, I believe the discussion to have given me the power to choose for my self either life or death. In that choice the only two people I really have to consider other than myself is Sarah and Emma, who my death will most profoundly effect. If I am basing my choices on anything other than my own power to choose, I am losing personal power in the matter and allowing considerations I really have no responsibility to interfere with the process.