More than cups half full or half empty

Sarah here. Not posted for a while as been too busy back at work and taxiing Emma every night whilst she has been in her show!

Apparently the first Monday back at work in January after the Christmas break is the most depressing day of the year. I know this because Dave's lovely cousin Jane rang me on Monday 5th to tell me that she had seen this on the news that day and was calling because she thought, "if it's the most depressing day of the year what must poor Dave and Sarah be feeling like with everything they have to deal with". Bizarrely at the time, when I ran a check of myself I could honestly say that I felt great, which led me to ponder why some people like myself and Dave tend to stay upbeat and positive (most of the time!) even in the most difficult of circumstances and why many other people who appear to have very few problems or difficulties in their lives are so downright miserable.


When I sat down later that night I was reading the Independent magazine from the day before where a guy called Lawrence Shorter had written a book and an article about optimism which was more food for thought on this topic. Lawrence as part of writing his book had done some research in to the historical meaning of the word "optimism". It turns out that the word optimism comes from the word "optimum" meaning "the best possible" and was first coined by Leibniz, the 18th century philosopher to signify the perfection of the universe as it is. In other words, optimism has nothing to do with the future - it is a description of reality now. The world and the universe are already "optimal" - they couldn't be any better. As I type that he can hear you muttering, but I found this an interesting situation to contemplate as I oten get a sense that this interpretation of the world is correct.


Later in the article, Shorter talked about the fact that in his view it is not events e.g. losing our job, our partner dying that we are afraid of but it is our reactions to them - that we are afraid of our own feelings. I find this to be very true of my current situation as the thought of Dave dying and what that will mean for me can be very confronting. When I look at the other (and sometimes strange to me) reactions that some people are having to Dave's illness and future demise, I can see that a number of people are simply afraid of their own feelings, so they get caught up in themselves, a sometimes unwittingly selfish pursuit. It is my aim to allow my feelings to arise and fall freely, a bit like changes in the weather, but I see this as far healthier than suppressing those feelings which are more difficult to deal with. This can mean that one minute I am tearful about what is happening, the next I can be laughing out loud. I think sometimes this can be disturbing for people, although I obviously don't mean it to be! Particularly at work, I see people looking at me and wonder if they are thinking, "how can she be so cheerful and bright and breezy when her husband is dying?" . The truth is I do feel joyful for a lot of the time because Dave, Emma and I are squeezing every bit of life out of the time we do have together and are living very much in the present, as that is all that is available to us with such an uncertain future. I have times when I am very very sad about what is happening to Dave and I struggle desperately when I see Dave in pain, but I can hold this on the one hand alongside my pleasure at some of the simple things in life that happen on a daily basis.

To take this weekend for example. Yesterday we managed the remarkable feat of getting Dave to see Emma's show - he managed to sit through the whole show in his wheelchair and took great pleasure in seeing her singing and dancing her heart out in a musical version of the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. We later managed to watch an entire film together whilst Emma was out giving her evening performance, something we enjoyed but is again no mean feat. In contrast, in the very early hours of this morning, we were up together with Dave struggling for breath and panicking because he could not get his breath at all. This is very unpleasant for both him (for obvious reasons) and for me, especially as I can do little but help him with the oxygen and sit with him until things calm down. But we got over that and then today we have had a lovely day. Some friends, Dave and Jeanette came with their baby Molly for Sunday brunch this morning and this afternoon, Auntie Sheila and Uncle Tony and Auntie Barbara and Uncle Norman called in for a cuppa - no mean achievement when you consider that they are all in their 70s and had travelled from Bracknell for that cuppa! Whilst they were there, Julia called in and after Julia and the aunts and uncles had gone we had Claire and Hattie for a roast dinner and a neighbour Becky later called in. So a very full day but fun! And yes Dave was tired after such a full day, but to feel all of that love and support and chat with people was great!

So my life these days tends to be a vast melting pot of fun, laughter and love interspersed with periods of upset and despair, but at least in allowing myself to experience all these feelings I am free of the fear of experiencing them.

Another part of the article about optimism that I really liked was the assertion that happiness is a choice/decision - something I have believed for many years now. It is possible to decide to be happy right now. Most of the people I observe are waiting for happiness to happen some time in the future when the conditions are right. I find that really sad as often people think that when they get X amount of money or the right job/partner/house then they will be happy and then they get whatever it is for them and realise that isn't it either! What a waste of time......! (Sorry, I'd better get off my soapbox now).

So I have been sitting with a new way of looking at optimism this week and it has been very interesting. A lot more interesting than the usual interpretations of cups half full and cups half empty. My thinking process was also aided by some training I organised for my team at work that happened at the beginning of the week. I organised the training because my team are great people, but as is often common with women at work they lack confidence in their abilities, although they are very able. Our training session was called "Positive Belief" and was run by a lady called Jules Wyman who really does practice what she preaches, so was full of fun and enthusiasm. As I had heard most of the ideas before in other training I had done over the years, the training was more of a refresher for me, but given what is going on with Dave it was a very timely refresher. One of the things I took away that I will remember is an equation that Jules put on a slide which said:



EVENTS + REACTIONS = OUTCOME



The example given on the course was of two people having a car crash and having different reactions - one person panicking and another person going to pieces and how that ultimately influences the outcome. This is ultimately how I see Dave and I dealing with his illness. We may have no choice about the Events that happen but by choosing our reactions we can influence the outcomes. Maybe not the biggest outcome i.e. him not dying, as that is in the hands of fate, but there are hundreds of other outcomes that we can influence and are influencing on a daily basis.

Now before I go, a couple of other points............

We are curious as to how many people are reading the blog these days. We have an idea that blog readers are now in their hundreds from the emails, donations and phone calls we are getting. One way to help us in establishing this is if you could make yourself a "follower" of the blog if you have not already done so. You can do this by clicking on "follow this blog". It would help us if you could do this as we are contemplating having a go at turning this in to a book that is published so it would be good to have a clearer idea of the numbers.

The other thing is that a number of friends who are aware of our current situation have asked whether they could give us as a family money in addition to, or instead of, donating to the blog as they would like to help us in this practical way. Our income has drastically reduced since Dave has not been able to do much work and we are in the process of claiming benefits and living off our savings. This is not a request for money but if you would like to support us in this way we definitely would not be offended!