Dealing with "first" experiences

Doing things for the "first time" or seeing people for the "first time" after Dave has died seems to create the most emotion for me at the present time, and there were a lot of firsts for me this week.

Firstly on Tuesday morning going to the chiropractors for the first time since December to try to sort out my very painful back and neck. Seeing my chiropractor Arlene and bringing her up to date had the tears flowing.

Later on that day another first. Tricia accompanied me to the hospital to meet up with two of the doctors, Anne Garry and Claire Ruddock to discuss Dave's final few days and some concerns I had regarding his care. This involved stepping in to the hospital for the first time since Dave's death which was not easy as there are so many people that I now know at the hospital as a result of Dave's illness. On seeing Claire and Anne I immediately burst in to tears. During the meeting with them I relived Dave's final days which was also not easy and was very emotional, but it ultimately resulted in me feeling a lot better having got a lot of things in to perspective and having a lot of my questions answered.

On Thursday, Caroline (our Macmillan nurse) came round to visit me at home for the first time since Dave had died. This was a very emotional time as we (Dave and I) have become so close to Caroline during Dave's illness and have shared and discussed our most intimate feelings with her. She has also been fully involved in some of our most difficult decisions as a family and her advice and honesty have always been extremely valued and appreciated. I shared a good few tears with Caroline and it was very strange for us to be talking without Dave there chipping in in his usual cheerful way. By the end of her visit, I was completely drained emotionally and feeling very poorly as the headache I had started the visit with transformed in to a migraine that left me laid up for the rest of the day.

On Friday it was time for my first visit to the hospice to hand over the donations from the funeral. Going to the hospice again was extremely daunting as there are so many sad memories associated with the place. I phoned ahead such was my trepidation and again the wonderful Tricia was by my side as we knew this would be tricky. I have been asked not to name the hospice staff on the blog, but the wonderful sister who was on duty the morning Dave died met me in Reception. She asked me if I could come around to the Family Room for a more private chat than the one we could have in the open plan Reception area. This was challenging to say the least for me as the walk around the hospice involved passing Dave's old room and a number of staff and then entering the room where Emma and I stayed quite a few nights and where I told Emma that her dad had died. As I started walking my legs were like jelly and the sister had to hold my arm to keep me upright, but I did make it. Once there we had a good chat over a cup of tea and later a group of the nurses involved with Dave's care joined us. The whole visit was lovely and we were very well taken care of whilst we were there but again this "first" left me drained, but very proud of myself for actually getting through the door in the first place.

Yesterday, Emma and I went to Whitby for the day to make up for the visit she missed last Sunday. We did all the usual things - fish and chips at the famous "Magpie Cafe", a walk on the beach and a mooch around the wonderful quirky shops. The same sorts of things we would have done with Dave but it was just not the same without him however hard we tried. Hopefully in time this will change as we get used to him not being around more and he becomes less obviously missing.

And another first today. I saw Claire's husband Paul for the first time since November as he has been working overseas since then. So much has happened since he went away and as a group of friends we are actually different people as a result of the experience of Dave's last few months that it was difficult to know where to start. So we started with a hug and a few tears from me and then a chat which will no doubt be continued that he is back at home. I was acutely aware of how difficult it is for Paul to have not been able to be around for Dave's final days and to have missed the funeral.

So, it was an action packed week again and very much a rollercoaster ride.

Emotionally, my heart still feels like a rock in my chest and I still find it hard to believe that Dave is not around any more. I reread the letter that he left me tonight. In the letter he says "The reason I cannot say goodbye to you like I have to everyone else is finally clear to me. It's because it is impossible. It's like saying goodbye to myself. You are so much a part of me, and I of you, that we cannot be separated". Well sadly we have been separated, at least in this physical world, and that is excrutiatingly painful for me at this time; it is like losing a part of myself.

As a result of our spiritual beliefs, Dave believed and I do believe that our souls are entwined and that we are a part of each other and that we are so strongly linked that we will in the spiritual sense be together for ever. I have told him to wait for me wherever he has gone but I suspect he could be waiting for me a good long while!

So the grieving process continues and I suspect will continue for a very long time to come. There is nothing to be done about it as far as I can see as there is no way round it. It is something to go through and there is nothing to do or that can be done about it. It is just a case of being with emotions as they arise and Emma and I loving each other as much as we possibly can. But it's not easy. I have experienced grief before for my mum, my aunties and uncles, Dave's dad and for the numerous babies Dave and I lost, but all of these things whilst extremely painful at the time, pale into relative insignificance compared to losing my partner and soulmate. I am currently experiencing depths of emotions I didn't even know I had within me and I am sure this will continue.

For now I will just acknowledge myself for all that I have accomplished this week. All those things done as "firsts" are now out of the way and things to build on for the future. And, as a result of having the balls to do them (when I didn't want to do a lot of them and would have gladly have stayed at home under the duvet), I am moving slowly along and I will pat myself on the back and think of Dave saying "that's my girl!"!