Ups and Downs

A bit of a delay since my last post. Haven't written as haven't felt moved to put fingertips to keyboard (doesn't have quite the same ring as pen to paper!).

Another interesting and up and down week. The breakthrough this week was to go away for a weekend for the first time since Dave had died. Howard and Tina had rented a cottage in Goathland on the Moors for ten days and kindly invited us to stay for the weekend. As usual, they were the perfect hosts and thoroughly spoilt us both. Emma read in front of the log fire for most of the weekend (Goathland is not known for its racy nightlife) and I went out walking either on my own or with Howard and Tina. The weather was fabulous all weekend and the break and the clear air of the Moors did me the power of good. I actually had two good nights of sleep which was exceptional as I continue to have problems with sleeping. Howard and Tina also listened powerfully to me as I discussed my feelings and the plans I had for our new life. Their listening for me as a person and their love for me is so great that I actually started to feel a little excitement about my radically altered future.

The breakdown came on Sunday night when I returned home. A window of opportunity and excitement had opened for me briefly only to slam shut in my face as I returned home. The journey home was very bad due to day tripper traffic jams on the A64 such that we didn't get home until 8.30 p.m. Arriving home to an empty house was horrible, as was unloading the car with Emma and without Dave to give us a hand and put the kettle on for a cup of tea. As someone who now has no mother, no father and now no husband I felt as if had we been in an accident and not got home no-one would have noticed for quite a while. It is a funny feeling for me to have Emma to look after but to have no-one these days to officially look after or look out for me.

Monday is also "bin day" so Sunday night also involved a trip out in to the very dark alley to put the bin bags out. This was also a practical reminder that Dave was missing. It was a "condition of satisfaction" for our marriage that he always put the bin bags out and organised the recycling. I always told him that it was the most important factor in making our marriage work! And, bless his heart, he continued to do that job far longer than any other domestic task, despite his illness. So, as I grappled with the back gate and the bin bags, I really missed him even more. The combination of all these factors managed to eradicate the good karma of the weekend and led to a sleepless tearful Sunday night and an overwhelming feeling of being alone in the world.

Monday morning on the other hand provided some light relief! Julia and I had arranged to meet for a coffee Monday morning. She texted me about 7 a.m. to say that she had to go for an appointment in town just after 9 and asked if I wanted picking up early or should she come round after her appointment. I thought I had replied to say pop round afterwards, but as we later found out that my phone had run out of credit and the message had not been sent. As a result of this she called round at 9.00 a.m. to see what I wanted to do. I was blissfully unaware of her ringing on the doorbell as I was having a lovely shower. Her failure to get an answer on the doorbell combined with the fact that I was not answering my mobile, led her to a panicky state in which she imagined that (as the curtains were also closed) I must have made an attempt to take my own life. On wandering downstairs from my shower I found a message on my mobile to say that if I did not respond quickly, she was going to come over the back fence to break in to the house! By this time she had also rung Claire in a panic, so then Claire was on the phone panicking as to whether I was okay. All unintentionally hilarious. So I have now clarified with Julia the fact that although things are very bleak at times, I currently have no intention of trying to do away with myself! I say "currently" as my trusty guide on "How to cope with the death of your partner" does say reassuringly that "at some point you will consider taking your own life" so I guess never say never! However, I have got to the age of 46 without ever feeling suicidal and have no plans to feel that way in the future, especially with the gorgeous Emma needing me around so much and the fact that I promised Dave that I would enjoy the rest of my life as fully as possible after a "suitable" period of mourning (whatever a suitable period of mourning is). Dave wanted me to start enjoying things straightaway in typical "daveness" fashion but I said that that was probably not possible and even if it was possible many people would consider it terribly bad taste.....

Monday afternoon saw my first Parents Evening at school since Dave's death. I had to steel myself to attend this as there are over 200 pupils in Emma's year so there are many many people who I know from the local area at the Parents Evening. The teachers were lovely with me and praised Emma for continuing to do so well in spite of everything that she has been dealing with. The other parents who I know either really well or pretty well were also very nice and many acknowledged how difficult it must be for me to walk in on my own in the circumstances. There were a few people at the "acquaintance" level however who I saw whispering about me and even one person pointing me out rather indiscretely! I know we have had publicity in the local paper but really! I felt like shouting out "Listen I didn't kill my husband you know, he died of cancer and coming here is hard enough without you a**holes staring at me". I tried to push down my "leper like" feelings but have to say these things did have an impact on me and I probably did the teacher circuit in a new World Record time.

Tuesday saw me revisit the Orange Tree, an alternative health retreat and relaxation centre that Dave and I thought of buying as a business eighteen months ago before his illness intervened and fate dictated otherwise (in retrospect a blessing). We spent a fantastic weekend together there in September 2007. We had told Howard and Tina all about the place and they wanted to go and see what it was like. I drove there to Rosedale on my own to meet them. As usual, unexpected triggers set me off. Rosedale is a place where we have spent many happy hours as there is a fantastic campsite there where we have been with our close friends and their kids many, many times and a good few tears started to flow in the car at the happy memories. On arriving at the door of the Orange Tree, Sue the owner was waiting for me with arms outstretched. Sue is such a loving and lovely person that the tears I was already crying turned in to my own miniature tsunami at the combination of her, Rosedale, remembering the weekend Dave and I had spent together at the Orange Tree and our excitement at the time at the thought that we might create a new life in Rosedale with a long dreamt of "retreat". As is the case at the moment, the tears did not last too long and we spent a lovely day together in the beautiful sunshine.

So, as you can see, the rollercoaster continues and I'm sure will continue for some time.