Settling in........

Hi, Sarah again. Just a quick update for you all. Not being able to sleep well at night means I am able to sit down with the laptop for a short while.

Yesterday was a very emotional and draining day for all of us. We were all very upset when the ambulance arrived to take Dave to the hospice. We all know in our hearts that it is probably the right decision and the best thing for all of us, but it was heart renching to see him go. Emma, in particular, took it very hard and I had to cuddle her for quite a while before I set off to the hospice leaving her in the care of Claire. Emma hates hospitals from her previous experiences with her Dad and although she understood that the hospice would be slightly different, she did not want to come and see the place until I had got Dave settled in and we had seen the doctors and got all the medical stuff out of the way. Highly sensible decision I would say!

The initial admission by the doctor and the nurse took ages and left me wondering whether it was an appropriate way to deal with people as poorly as Dave, as we had to provide a full medical history going right back to when Dave was first diagnosed wth cancer and full details of his current drug and other medication regime. This took from 11 o'clockish to nearly 2.00 p.m. The doctor and the nurse were absolutely lovely people and the conversation did help to build a relationship with them, but looking at the system as a novice and an outsider I did wonder why the majority of the information (especially the drug regime) could not have been transferred via notes or conversations between doctors. I wondered about this even more today when the doctor on duty for the next four days turned out to be the lovely Claire Ruddock (from the hospital), who, knowing us so intimately, could probably have admitted us in half the time had she been there or had we been allowed to come in on Thursday as we would have liked!

That aside we are very pleased with the hospice. Dave has a lovely room with a balcony looking out on to open fields and hedgerows. There are lots of birds, rabbits and squirrels to be watched and apparently in the early mornings deer and foxes can be seen in the field. The view is a lot more pleasant than the view from our dining room! Dave had little time to enjoy it yesterday as he felt terrible as he was awake from 7.00 a.m. to 2.00 p.m. when they finished admitting him and by last night he looked terrible when I called back for a very short time with Emma and my brother who was visiting from Shoreham. Our GP, who called in briefly said it would probably take Dave at least 24 hours to recover just from the transfer to the hospice.

I had a lot of mixed emotions about Dave going in to the hospice. As already said, we know it is probably the right decision, but it was hard to give up caring for him at home. Although it has been really hard work, I feel that I have done this job well and that he has been really really well cared for in a practical and emotional way. Giving the medical history in full to the doctor yesterday (I did it to save Dave's breath) almost overwhelmed me as I had a full realisation of what we have been through. The doctor seemed amazed that we had managed virtually independently for so long and I did feel a sense of relief at handing him over to the care of the hospice. As often happens this relief was immediately followed by guilt at "giving up". I also found it difficult during the day to see the staff doing things for Dave not quite the way he likes things due to unfamiliarity and had to force myself to relinquish care. In the afternoon, I made the decision to leave him in the care of the staff for the evening so they could get used to him, but when he looked so poorly (and tired and emotional) when I visited with my brother I found it very difficult to leave him. Emma, Steve and I went out for a quick bite to eat but when I got back I found it hard to settle. I tried to phone the hospice to check Dave was okay but could not get through so I went to bed very unsettled.

Today has been better as Dave had a relatively good night so is less tired. He is still getting used to the new regime which is a lot more regimented for obvious reasons and has less flexibility than being at home. Dave is happier without visitors and is getting more time with me and Emma as he wants. Emma is quite happy with the hospice and, as of today, we have a handy supply of Calippos and chocolate for her and her Dad on tap. The doctor and nurse had also listened well to Dave yesterday regarding his lack of appetite and the catering staff had very kindly made him a lemon meringue pie today! Today has been busy with a seemingly endless army of various "workers" through the room, sometimes interrupting some quite important conversations. We hope that this is just a settling in thing but if it is not we shall be placing the handy "do not disturb" sign on the door on a frequent basis! Although we are still settling in, I think the hospice will turn out to be a fantastic decision where Dave will be really well supported and looked after by the staff and where Emma and I will also be taken care of.

Still don't know whether we will blog again so we will continue to keep you in suspense...........